The Article the Wall Street Journal Refused

Romney Arrested on Bribery Charges

By LIENO TIPE
(aka F. Sherwood)

Published November 16, 2012

Former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney was arrested early Friday, charged with multiple counts of attempted bribery during the recent presidential campaign.  U.S. Federal Attorney Gregg Stern said Mr. Romney had been held in connection with offers made to a select group voters in speeches and advertising during the battle for the White House.

“Mr. Romney promised continuation of the tax cuts initiated in the Bush administration,” Mr. Stern stated. “These were very considerable monetary incentives, made with blatant disregard for federal statutes prohibiting the purchase of support in any election.”  He indicated his office was also looking into allegations of other promises of payouts, including loosening of federal regulations, repeal of ObamaCare, and a change in job status for a highly popular figure associated with National Public Television's educational programming.

The former Massachusetts governor, his wife Anne and their five sons were detained as they were about to leave the country for the Cayman Islands on one of the family’s private jets.  Mr. Romney was released later in the day on bail of $10 million. Mrs. Romney posted the amount with spare cash pulled from her purse, and the couple quickly left the facility where her husband was being held.  Questioned about the quick turn around on such a large sum, their eldest son Taggart stated he was not surprised.  “Yes, it was a large amount,” he said.  “But that was a pretty large purse.”

Mr. Romney’s attorney Burt Freemen stated that the charges were groundless and he was confident any allegations of unlawful or unethical actions by the former candidate would be proven utterly false.  “These are utterly false,” Mr. Freeman said.  “To suggest that such obscure statutes have any relevance regarding Governor Romney’s actions before, during or after the campaign is without foundation.  We have filed with the court to have the charges dismissed on the face of it.”  He further stated that even if any misguided, un-elected public officials believed the Romney campaign tactics were technically illegal, such transgressions were no longer relevant because precedent for not contesting bribery had been established earlier in the campaign. 

 “The Democrats were bribing day in and day out,” a former Romney campaign spokesman concurred. “They offered assistance on loans to struggling students, more food stamps to the urban poor, and free contraceptives to young women whether their bosses want them to have them or not. Obama started all this, and it’s really, really unfair.”

A member of the White House press team countered that such a comparison was off the mark. “The incentives for voters we reached out to were significant,” she argued. “But compared to the Bush tax cuts, they look like Miller Lite at a brew pub.”

Albert Collums, a tax expert at Lupol Tax Institute, believed the idea that the Republicans would offer bribes to wealthy Americans was highly unlikely.  “Any candidate in his right mind would know that that segment of voters could never be so easily swayed,”  Mr. Collums said. “These people already have more money than they know what to do with.”

This opinion was disputed by Dr. Roger Epstein, head of the Epstein Institute of Psychology and Fitness, referring to numerous personality studies of highly wealthy and powerful individuals.  “Enough is never enough for them,” Dr. Epstein said. “When we administered written tests, we often caught participants stealing the pens.”

In the course of the arrest, authorities also impounded a number of cardboard boxes that appeared to have been sealed hastily with shipping tape. The boxes have not been opened, pending further orders from the court, but an employee of the private airport, where the Romney family keeps a few of its jets at the ready, suspects the boxes may contain significant quantities of cash, in both large and small bills.

The Romney spokesmen laughed off the airport employee’s remarks, stating that such misrepresentations were typical of those coming from jealous members of the 47 percent.  “The idea that the Romneys would be exporting cash, to the Cayman Islands or anywhere, is delusional class warfare,” the spokesman said. “And including small bills?  Believe me, if the Romneys were carrying cash, which they weren’t, it would be in denominations larger than you’ll ever see.”

When questioned regarding the spokesman’s protest, the employee re-affirmed his earlier statements, reporting that the Romneys routinely carried bills of all denominations in a variety of containers.  He stated that while preparing for a previous flight from the same Florida airport, the day immediately following the election, the family had used boxes identical to those seized during the bribery arrest this morning.  “On that day, I had just returned at 10 a.m. after I finally voted,” the employee said. “I saw the open boxes when they borrowed packing tape from me. Not sure where the tape ended up, though.”

A court date for trial on the bribery charges has not been set, awaiting the judge’s consideration of petitions filed by anonymous persons or corporations.

This article is a farcical invention.  Totally untrue.
-- The Editors