Rare holiday gifts!!!

BY LIENO TIPE

ILLUSTRATIONS BY NKEY FINGHURS

Through our exhaustive research of ongoing social phenomena, The Forest has uncovered a trove of extraordinary items for this gift-giving season.  Bestow them generously to enrage those pesky right-wing relatives, to provide your liberal pals a well-deserved holiday chortle, or just to annoy people.

Neo-Conservative Discourses on Logic & Ethics 

This weighty tome of empty pages comes richly bound in faux-evidence and makes a handsome addition to any pre-Enlightenment library.  Also available in a special three-volume Collector's Edition, including The Old Testament Guide to Child Rearing and a full atlas of Ptolemy's maps.  Hard bound only.

- $6,563.00

McConnellCake  

This unjust dessert honoring the Senate Minority Leader is generally half-baked and frosts easily on any occasion. Primarily sour dough, but stuffed with rich Kentucky Pork. Available in no flavors.

- $2.99

Rob Ford Getaway  

Everyone’s favorite mayor is your unwitting host to three fun-filled days in the exciting Toronto suburbs and two frightening nights in the crack house of his choice.  Enjoy a special unlimited liquor welcoming package and unfriendly news conference.  Generous taxicab voucher pack is included because you won't be allowed to rent a car.

- $1289.65

Newt Figs   

Tough-skinned and chock full of stuff guaranteed to get caught between your teeth, these pithy paeans to the former House Speaker continue to make their frequent appearances –whether anyone wants them around or not.  Best stewed or served in pudding. 

- $.09 apiece

Kardashian Gift Wrap  

The penultimate flimsy sheath of no known purpose comes with a generous coating of shimmering glitter and gloss and generously folds around any size package for a short time.  Readily available for any taping session, but guaranteed not to stick to much. Warning: can prove to be large volume of trash at the end of the day.

- $5,000,000 for 25 sq. ft. roll

Red State Health Insurance Policy  

Treat your lifelong friends and enemies to coverage free of any shameful government support or job-killing universal enrollment.  State-of-the art exclusions and risk pool management guarantee the insurer of your choice will remain highly profitable in order to provide the quality service you think you'll get. Apply today for one of these premium-rich coverages. Or, avoid the messy paperwork and just sign your 401k over directly to your favorite health care conglomerate.  Not available in some states by law.

- Call for quote

Ted Cruz Day Planner  

Comes already filled with day upon day of obstructionist events.  Includes a newsworthy quote of the hour and daily “Laff Riot” cartoon of the quirky, lovable senator from Texas up to his usual high jinks.  (Dec. 31/ Jan. 1, for instance, depict the rascally freshman kicking the infirm 2013 Oldster into the street and throwing the 2014 Baby under a bus!!) Special Appendix provides extensive suggestions of things to loath in case your dysfunctional gift recipient runs out of ideas.

$15,000,000,000,000.00

Tea Party Sampler  

Your friends and right-minded associates will quickly warm to this delightful assortment of hot water additives, including:  Orange-You- Sick-of-Obama, Green Envy, Black Outlook,  Deport the Darjeelings and Earl No Gray Areas.  Caution: free of stimulants, but can be habit-forming even when against the user’s self interest.

- $200.00  

Fox Booze  

The ultra-potent potable: induces stupefying loss of equilibrium even in small doses. And fast acting!  Guzzlers of this grog can speed right past any frivolous mirth and good cheer and proceed directly to being sick and depressed.  No ID required.
- $12.99

The Boehner Bobo  

Your negativity-addicted acquaintances will thrill at this energy-saving avatar of the House Speaker. It's guaranteed to automatically pop up on their behalf and say "no" to just about everything. Fully inflatable.

- FREE with any purchase

Why delay?  You can order any of these fine gifts directly from The Forest.  Send your cash, cashier’s check, or credit card information, including current billing address and the security code on the back of the card, to:

The Forest’s Rare and Incredible Gifts

P.O. Box 10101010

Suitcase, NE 101010-1010

The Forest makes no representations as to the worth of any of these products.

Department of Political Un-Correctness

We’re Okay If Kim Jong-un Fires Missiles As Long As They Hit:

The Geico Pig.  Question:  When you already have a cute little spokesman (spokes-lizard?) with a catchy Cockney accent, why would you add a repugnant one who talks like an annoying teenager?

Call us hopelessly ossified, but we really don’t want to see (or hear) Maxwell ever again. If you disagree, click here: Friend The Pig

Friends of the Geico Pig. Yes, there really are people who give “thumbs up” to the company’s blatant announcements of its latest commercials cleverly disguised as Facebook posts.  Including a young woman proposing marriage to the hirsute snouter.  If you’re actually looking at that page you’re either:

1. Researching the decline and fall of American culture. (This covers The Forest’s butt.)
2. At the end of your rope for things to do other than leave your parents’ basement.
3. A moron.

Gretchen Carlson’s Teleprompter.  As the co-host of the Fox & Friends morning show chimed in with her pals excoriating President Obama for his gun control efforts, this Hairdo in Search of a Heart reflected on the economic ramifications of a ban on high capacity magazines: “The companies producing those devices would have to cut jobs!” 

Did those words actually come out of her mouth?  If we vaporize the machine she reads off of, will she just go away?

Mitch McConnell’s Campaign Strategists.   What to do when polls show your candidate is the country’s least popular senator?  How about suggest using Ashley Judd’s struggle with clinical depression in hopes of discrediting her as a candidate?  Really?  Then have your boss holler for the F.B.I. when he gets caught agreeing to it.  Really. 

Anthony Weiner’s Campaign Funds.  The scariest thing about this source of $100,000 for a poll to determine if a guy who Tweeted images of his crotch is now viable as a candidate for mayor of New York City is that there’s still more than $4 million of it left.  

The Double Gulp.  Granted, we have to give the health-conscious virtuosos at 7-Eleven kudos for downsizing this penultimate paean to sugar shock from 64 ounces (That’s half a gallon, but who’s counting?) to its current, slender 50 ounces.  (Whew! Now we’ll have room left for Little Debbie Cloud Cakes.)   And a state judge did throw out New York Mayor Bloomberg’s edict to ban soft drinks over 20 ounces.  (We’ll sleep better tonight.)  But, still, why not just melt the damn thing and leave the answers to our soft drink dreams where they belong: in football length hallways of two liter bottles?  Just adjacent to the thoroughfare of potato chips you’re standing in.

The Supreme Leader Himself.  Which, hopefully - given the state of the People’s Republic’s technology - is not off the table.

  

Congress files for unemployment!!!

WASHINGTON, D.C.

By: Lieno Tipe

In a surprise move this morning, the U.S. Congress applied for unemployment benefits.  None were available for comment regarding the action, but a person familiar with the matter stated that many members of both the House and Senate had seemed confused lately.

“They’re not getting any work done,” the person conjectured. “So maybe they erroneously believe they don't have jobs.”

Staff at the Unemployment Services Office at 4058 Minnesota Avenue in the nation’s capitol was taken aback when they opened their doors at 8:30 a.m., and all members of the nation’s governing body swarmed the entrance.  “It was highly unusual,” said a manager at that location.  "As I understand it, these individuals all worked for the same organization, but none of them spoke to each other, or even acknowledged each other’s presence.”

Many in both the public and private sectors agree that the nation’s leading governing body has seemed to be unemployed since the November election.  Their inactivity spans a wide range of areas, such as avoiding to avert the “fiscal cliff” in January and lengthy delays in endorsing vital appointments – including former Senator Chuck Hagel, a highly regarded veteran soldier, to Secretary of Defense and John Brennan, a renowned counterterrorism authority, to Director of the CIA.

They have also failed to act, in spite of appalling massacres, on gun control measures as seemingly common sense as background checks and limits on fully automatic rifles with high capacity magazines, weapons considered by military and law enforcement officials to be designed solely to kill large numbers of human beings in a matter of minutes.  Other inactivity, perhaps more curious, has included no meaningful progress on budgetary and tax revenue legislation, considered by some to be pivotal in actually having a government.

In one example of contrast, the Seventy-third Congress, in two years under President Roosevelt, raised tax rates, ended the tax-exempt status of corporate dividends, limited deductions for capital depreciation, restored the banking system, increased unemployment assistance to the states, authorized tariff reductions to promote free trade, asserted the right of workers to organize, and passed the A.A.A. – aimed at increasing the purchasing power of farmers – and the N.I.R.A., mandating key minimum wages.  They passed the Glass-Steagall Act, separating commercial from investment banking, created the Securities and Exchange Commission, the Civilian Conservation Corps, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation, the Tennessee Valley Authority, and passed the National Labor Relations Act and laws regulating railroads and public utilities.*

In their spare time, they also managed to agree on, and establish, something called the Social Security Administration.**

“I know it's bizarre, but by comparison, our current Congress does seem to believe they are not employed,” said one expert on governing process. "What other explanation could there be?”

White House reaction was limited. An administration spokesperson released a terse statement reading, in its entirety: “When the President promised to put the nation back to work, he didn’t think he’d have to include Congress.”

*Louis Menand, “How the Deal Went Down,” The New Yorker, March 7, 2013, pp. 69-74.
**Ditto.

McCain Deploys to Syria!!

SOMEWHERE SOUTH OF ALLEPO

By: LIENO TIPE

       

In a surprise move very early this morning, Senator John McCain landed in Syria to assist rebel forces fighting to overthrow the government of Bashar al-Assad.  His self-induced, unilateral deployment reflects the Senator’s strongly expressed concerns that the Obama administration failed, despite recommendations from the military and state department, to arm the rebels.

“We need to be on the side of any forces throughout the world seeking freedom,” the Senator said as he deplaned from a Boeing 767 specially requisitioned from a major commercial airline.  “The President’s failure to do so prompted me to do the right thing.”

Hastily armed with a serviceable Springfield rifle and stun grenades from a storage room in Washington D.C.’s Marine Corp Museum, the senator from Arizona immediately set off to locate rebels in need of support.

The invasion, although limited in scope, is consistent with steadfast Republican hatred any of the President’s policy choices, including his recent nominations of Senator Chuck Hegel for Defense Secretary and John Brennan for Director of the CIA.

McCain’s leading ally, Senator Lindsey Graham, has joined him in the impromptu military initiative.  The South Carolina congressman, who once claimed to be a Gulf war veteran, although later clarifying that he got as far as Columbia, South Carolina, where he wrote wills and provided other legal assistance for combatants and their families, plans to play a support role, drafting legislation in hopes of legalizing Senator McCain’s adventure.

A White House spokesperson reminded critics that the President is reticent to arm any of the diverse Syrian rebel units until someone actually proves which ones are not anti-Western radicals, but downplayed any tactical advantage Senator McCain might provide.

“Yes, we are very concerned about putting fire power in the wrong hands,” that person said. “But if anyone wants John, we’re okay with that.”

REPUBLICAN PARTY MOVES TO TEXAS!!

SOMEWHERE WEST OF PECOS

By: LIENO TIPE

In reaction to Republican House Speaker John Boehner's remarks regarding an extremely threatening situation in Washington, his entire Party moved to the state of Texas late Friday. In a speech earlier in the week Mr. Boehner warned of a militaristic Obama program, stating : “…we’re expecting over the next 22 months to be the focus of this administration as they attempt to annihilate the Republican Party.”

Leaders of the party saw the massive relocation to be in their best interests in light of the President's alleged bellicose stance.  “We're talking a matter of survival,” said one Republican congressman. “It’s going to be very difficult for the President to get to us once we’re all down here in the Lone Star State.”

Although other points on the map, based on voting percentages, are more solidly Red States, Republicans feel that Texas is the best overall location to dig in.

“Plenty of guns and a history of self-preservation,” said a key spokesperson. “Texas had its own revolution and was an independent republic. And talk about a heroic tradition of defense! I’m sure you remember the Alamo.”

Another Republican leader pointed out additional strategic and tactical considerations. “There’s talk of secession down here,” he said. “What better way to seclude us from the dangers of the Capitol?  And lots of wide open spaces for anyone who wants to hide.”

Some naysayers were less enthusiastic. “As far as secession, the numbers don’t add up,” an economist from the University of Texas stated. “According to the latest census figures, our state paid out $148 billion a year in federal taxes and took in $226 billion in federal buckaroos if you include military spending and something called Social Security. That dog won’t hunt.”

A middle schooler from Abilene  added perhaps the most rudimentary perspective:  “The Alamo?  Like, didn’t those dudes all get wiped out?”

GINGRICH DELIVERS INAUGURATION SPEECH BY MISTAKE!!

WASHINGTON,  D.C.

JANUARY 22, 2013
By: LIENO TIPE

Speaking on a cable television network very early this morning, Newt Gingrich unexpectedly delivered what appeared to be an inauguration speech. Hosts of the overnight Fox News program were taken off guard when the former House Speaker launched into the lengthy delivery.

 

“It wasn’t included in our talking points,” said a network spokesman. “We had planned to afford Newt his usual chance to expound on whatever he wants, and then he suddenly was off and running with this.”

Some political analysts conjecture that Mr. Gingrich grew to believe he would be the next president because Fox News continues to give him unprecedented coverage. “Perhaps his confusion is understandable,” said one expert.  “They keep bringing him on, in spite of the fact that even voters in his own party rejected him.  I have to admit I’m confused.”

“We can certainly, as usual, blame the media,” said Mr. Gingrich’s third wife Callista. “But let’s not let the Democrats off the hook. Not one of them stepped up to remind my husband that he really has no say in anything now.”

In the course of his windy spiel, Mr. Gingrich outlined his vision for the future, which includes the elimination of Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and most funding for education and the arts, offset by construction of a thirty foot concrete wall at the Mexican border and a re-examination of our nation’s nuclear capability.

Reaction from the White House was limited.  According to a spokesperson, President Obama was "tied up running the country, in case you haven't heard"  First Lady Michelle Obama was occupied returning fourteen of the fifteen designer dresses prepared for her appearance at inauguration balls.

Former presidential runner Mitt Romney at first lauded Mr. Gingrich’s plucky attempt to claim entry to the Oval Office, but very soon reversed course.  “A nice try,” Mr. Romney stated, “But like 47 percent of our country, it’s just not going to work."

Adventures of Ralphie Couch!!

Stone Age tribe, not congress, solved fiscal Crisis!!!

Washington, D.C.

January 2, 2013
By: LIENO TIPE

A recently discovered primitive tribe, it was revealed today, was secretly behind legislation passed over the past two days to avoid the fiscal cliff.  Several key members of the tribe were said to provide unusual demonstrations in closed-door sessions with House and Senate leadership.

“They are probably the world’s foremost experts on the issue,” said Dr. Noel Crevass, an anthropologist who discovered the tribe in rugged, uncharted peaks of the Andes Mountains.  “After all, they’re Cliff Dwellers.”

A White House spokesperson, who asked to remain unidentified, believes the tribe members were uniquely qualified to provide a powerful example to a Congress that seemed hopelessly deadlocked.  “Congress had totally mucho months to take care of this,” the person said. “And they did zip…as in nada.  It was like they wanted to live on the cliff until they went pre-historic.”

“Congress was definitely continuing its practice of what we call Retrograde Evolution,” said Dr. Crevass. “So we thought we’d show them where they were headed if they stayed on their current, backward path.”

The Andean Cliff Dwellers provide a cautionary tale for governments unwilling, or unable, to deal with distribution of resources.  All tribe members work equally hard, and, at year’s end, their leaders are expected to divide their produced goods equitably.

“Occasionally it doesn’t work out that way,” Dr. Crevass said. “Certain leaders try to sneak all the stuff to themselves and one or two friends, resulting in endless bickering and accusations.  As the brutal winter sets in, the Cliff Dwellers revolt, forcing their leaders off the cliffs with sharp sticks heated in hot coals.  They live 14,000 feet above sea level, so that can be a long drop down in many cases.”

“It looked like we were at a standstill,” said House Speaker John Boehner.  “But having the Cliff Dwellers in the room added a fresh perspective.”

“From the start, our Party has been negotiating in full faith as long as we could always get our way,” added Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.  “We thought that was best for the American people, but it was hard to do with these savages breathing down our backs.”

“The Cliff Dwellers know when they’re being fed gibberish,” says Dr. Crevass.  “These people have lived for thousands of years on dried moss and roasted muskrats, and even they understand that.”

Here Again!! The Adventures of Ralphie Couch.