The Forest

Stone Age tribe, not congress, solved fiscal Crisis!!!

Washington, D.C.

January 2, 2013
By: LIENO TIPE

A recently discovered primitive tribe, it was revealed today, was secretly behind legislation passed over the past two days to avoid the fiscal cliff.  Several key members of the tribe were said to provide unusual demonstrations in closed-door sessions with House and Senate leadership.

“They are probably the world’s foremost experts on the issue,” said Dr. Noel Crevass, an anthropologist who discovered the tribe in rugged, uncharted peaks of the Andes Mountains.  “After all, they’re Cliff Dwellers.”

A White House spokesperson, who asked to remain unidentified, believes the tribe members were uniquely qualified to provide a powerful example to a Congress that seemed hopelessly deadlocked.  “Congress had totally mucho months to take care of this,” the person said. “And they did zip…as in nada.  It was like they wanted to live on the cliff until they went pre-historic.”

“Congress was definitely continuing its practice of what we call Retrograde Evolution,” said Dr. Crevass. “So we thought we’d show them where they were headed if they stayed on their current, backward path.”

The Andean Cliff Dwellers provide a cautionary tale for governments unwilling, or unable, to deal with distribution of resources.  All tribe members work equally hard, and, at year’s end, their leaders are expected to divide their produced goods equitably.

“Occasionally it doesn’t work out that way,” Dr. Crevass said. “Certain leaders try to sneak all the stuff to themselves and one or two friends, resulting in endless bickering and accusations.  As the brutal winter sets in, the Cliff Dwellers revolt, forcing their leaders off the cliffs with sharp sticks heated in hot coals.  They live 14,000 feet above sea level, so that can be a long drop down in many cases.”

“It looked like we were at a standstill,” said House Speaker John Boehner.  “But having the Cliff Dwellers in the room added a fresh perspective.”

“From the start, our Party has been negotiating in full faith as long as we could always get our way,” added Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.  “We thought that was best for the American people, but it was hard to do with these savages breathing down our backs.”

“The Cliff Dwellers know when they’re being fed gibberish,” says Dr. Crevass.  “These people have lived for thousands of years on dried moss and roasted muskrats, and even they understand that.”