Mismatched Juggling Set
This was from Freddie, my roommate at Northern State. We often shared a good laugh about my juggling obsession. It filled the time normally devoted to mundane activities such as watching Wheel of Fortune, falling down intoxicated, or going to class. I’m not sure about this set, though: a stress ball, small anvil and what looks like a dog hairball. I’m concerned I might lose control of the anvil and destroy about $9500 worth of my dental work. Maybe this was Freddie’s revenge for the things his girlfriend and I once did on a roller coaster.
One Shoe
My grandmother “Bogsey” gave me this on my sixth birthday. I broke my right toe at the age of three when Anna Marie Pasakarnis tipped me out of her Radio Flyer wagon. Grandma was supposed to be watching me, but was listening to the White Sox and matching shots and beers with Uncle Roy. Ever afterwards, she imagined my toe was permanently damaged. Stumbling across this at the Moose Thrift Ship, Bogsey thought she’d found an orthopedic shoe. It is neither orthopedic, nor for my right foot. It’s a size fourteen Ked with a Tupperware butter dish glued inside.
Yard Vulture
I don’t know how I got the Vulture. It’s possible he arrived in the early Eighties, when, I’m told, I had occasional lapses of all awareness for days at a time. It might serve well to fighten away lantern boy yard statues, as well as fake ducks or other nuisances. More likely, he’s just nature’s way to deal with Yardkill. My Vulture really deserves a home with a yard, though. The only space I have for him is in my shower. The occasional lady friend can find that disconcerting.
Cat Hair Tie
I won this in the office grab-bag back when I worked at Fleeter’s Oil and Screw. Glenda Hoppes made it. She has five long-hair cats and hates to see anything go to waste. I wore it once on an Internet date. When we met, the lady said she’d forgotten to put a quarter in the parking meter, and banged her knee pretty badly getting out of the coffee shop.
Meat Blender
An obvious “re-gift” from my sister Pam and brother-in-law Anton. The instructions say the meat blender is “More than just a meat grinder. It powerfully grinds your favorite cuts and stirs in additional ingredients. You can make Italian or Polish sausage, breakfast links, even head cheese.” That seems a lot of work. I tried using the blender as a juicer, but it blew orange pulp all the way to Korner Koffee down on 1st Street. I’ll leave this with Mr. Skvoda in 3B. He thinks he can use the motor to make a power tilter for Mrs. Skvoda’s Laz-E-Boy.
Birdcage With No Doorhatch
If you were the handy sort, you could probably craft a little door into this thing with a wirecutter and pliers. Maybe even make hinges from old faucet washers. If you were handy. And if you wanted a bird.
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