Politics at Large

Senate Majority Votes to Go Home!!

By Associate Editor-at-Large Lieno Tipe

DULLES AIRPORT, D.C. In a vote early Tuesday, Republicans in the Senate unanimously agreed to adjourn and take paid leave for the remainder of 2016.  The surprise move came as representatives in the party followed up on Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s opposition to any vote, or even hearings, for a presidential nominee to fill the Supreme Court seat vacated by the recent death of Justice Antonin Scalia.

"We simply thought it made sense," said Jeffry “Jeff” Flake, the junior Arizona member of the once august body. "Sound deliberation regarding a Supreme Court affirmation is perhaps our most crucial obligation of advise and consent in a vibrant democracy. Once we decided to bag that, why bother with the little stuff?"

More than one Senate worker, speaking on conditions of anonymity, suggested a number of the supposed lawmakers had lost touch with their sense of reality in many activities - or lack of such - in recent years, spurring this latest abdication of responsibility.

"On the one hand, it seems dunderheaded," said one aide. "But, viewed through a broader lens, these guys might just as well be out cleaning their bird feeders anyway."

Although the action seemed to indicate business as usual to many Americans, it was taken as a shutdown of the government in some quarters. Several legislators, attempting to get a jump on their colleagues by immediate departure for their home states, or luxury vacation spas, were stuck at airports when security personnel did not show up for work.

Senator McConnell was unavailable for comment.

Republican Candidates to Bear Arms at Next Debate!!

A majority of Republican presidential candidates have stated they will openly carry firearms at their next debate.  According to campaign workers, their candidates are taking what each views as a logical next step in the competition for the nation's highest office.

""They've pretty well maxed out on how far they can take this verbally," said one staffer, referring to Governor Christie's vicious assault on Senator Rubio in the last debate as well as earlier attacks and responses by others in the campaign.  "This is just a matter of putting some metal where your mouth is."

The taking up of arms has not been without its toll, however.  Carly Fiorina reportedly had to be restrained from shooting the employees at a practice range when she believed they had conspired to move targets out of range as she fired at them.  Senator Ted Cruz issued firm, but implausible, denials that he had instructed aides to retrofit cannons from the Alamo in order to "take out the entire stage" at the next contest.  And Governor Jeb Bush was said to be secretly hospitalized for shooting himself in the foot.

The one candidate to most vociferously enjoy recent developments was, unsurprisingly, the poll leading real estate mogul Donald Trump, stating: "I said from the beginning I would blow everyone away, and I meant it."

Protests that this latest turn is a poisonous by product of Republican's preference for insult and confrontation in lieu of substantive discussion have been been met with disdain in some quarters.

"The liberal media has leaped upon this in a smear tactic to banish our Second Amendment rights," said Senator Rubio, echoing responses from his fellow candidates as well as conservative talk show hosts.  "Watch out for what they propose next:  job killing health care for everyone and disarming our courageous men and women in uniform."

The Republican debate for which the candidates are now arming themselves is scheduled for 9 p.m. Eastern Time on February 17, taking place, viewed by some with no small irony, at the Peace Center in Greenville, South Carolina.

According to the Rubio campaign, the Senator from Florida will decline to attend.  Dr. Ben Carson, known for stating he would attack the gunmen if he was caught in the midst of a potential mass shooting and that he would prefer witnessing the death of innocent civilians rather than see gun rights curtailed, has reportedly left the country.