Young Hillary, The
Birth of Duplicity
Through our extensive contacts and highly credible sources, The Forest has obtained an aggregation of further criminal activities on the part of Hillary Clinton, the questionably nominated candidate for the Democratic Party in this year's vital presidential election. These revelations are unique, as they demonstrate inherent pathological behavior from an early age. We list merely a few below.
1. Cheated at Hopscotch
Chalked in her own lines, then clandestinely rubbed
them out, forcing her victimized playmates to hop through a significantly more
difficult course.
2. Laundered Girl Scout Cookie Sales
Volunteered to collect and deposit cash for Park
Ridge, Illinois, Girl Scout Troop 006000 annual cookie sale drive. Instead,
lawlessly expropriated extensive share of proceeds, concealing her illicit
gains in bag beneath her dirty socks.
3. Sent Hate Mail to NASA
Rabid after being informed
only men could be astronauts, 14 year old Hillary illicitly threatened to
"...steal Alan Shepard’s dog and blow up Cape Canaveral.”
4. Extorted Ted Kennedy to
Take SATs
As any loser feeble enough to listen to her criminal accomplice Bill Clinton’s most recent, pathetic convention speech learned, Hillary witnessed election fraud (or so SHE says) while conducting unauthorized surveillance on Chicago's South Side prior to the 1960 election, in which John F. Kennedy was elected president. Four years later, she exploited this insider knowledge, forcing Ted Kennedy, sadly attempting to preserve his brother's legacy, to fraudulently take SAT exams in her place, resulting in her being named National Merit Finalist.
5. Butted in for Wellesley's Last Dish
of Jello
Lauded for long list of alleged undergraduate achievements at Wellesley College in snooty, ultra rich Massachusetts habitat of the same name. All false, known primarily for barging ahead to forcefully pillage superior share of prized dorm food.
6. Forged Entire Yale Law Record
Yes, sadly, but unsurprisingly, she never even went there.
Attributions:
1.
Confirmed by former sidewalk accomplice Maryanne Marston, currently residing at
Noble Truth halfway house following most recent prison release.
2. Sworn statement of former troop mate
Eleanor "Ellie" Batterman, conservative talk show host (recently
retired) at KKKT Radio, Winnetoon, Nebraska.
3. Verified by next door neighbor Al Thomston, who viewed
real time execution of illegal document through high powered Zeiss Mercury
telescope.
4.
Entire debacle detailed in creative writing therapy project by former classmate
Arndt Schmiler, Rugby, ND.
5. See working draft of Associate Certificate thesis by
former hall mate Amantha "Mandi" Oddenhal for comprehensive,
disgusting details.
6. Easy enough to find out.
