2016 Thanksgiving

Cartoon Edition

Tuesday

Spontaneous Protest Is Too Little Too Late,

Sends Mixed Message.

Wednesday

Last Seen of Uncle Dave

Thursday

Your Facebook Account Hacked.

All Your Friends Invited.

Friday

Shopping!

Saturday

Exercycle Malfunction

Monday

Turkey Twitter

TRUMP APOLOGIST LIBRARY

In our constant search for political edification, your often competent editors here at The Forest sought to better understand the mindset of our colleagues in the media who, despite many difficulties and obstacles, persist in their brave roles as supporters and explainers of presidential candidate Donald Trump.

To that end, those of them who read courteously made their favorite books available to us.  We here share with you some of that distinguished body of works.

Imago Munda

Possibly the first known map of Earth, this 7th century BC Babylonian work demonstrates that the earth is flat, a basic tenet reaffirmed over centuries with countless treatises, proclamations and more advanced, highly detailed maps.

Editor's Note: Later works debunked this theory, depicting Earth as an inverted bowl.

Almagest

This historic classic by the 2nd century Greek mathematician Ptolemy - shown here in a 1515 AD Latin edition - outlines how the Earth remains stationary at the center of the universe as the sun and stars move about it.  A primary text found in most supporter libraries and on nightstands.

See appendix for how planets occasionally pause and move backwards.

Galileo Inquisition Minutes

Partial transcript of Galileo Galilei's trial for heresy following the infamous Italian astronomer's refutation of the above beliefs.  Also documents his guilt for expounding the tenet that scientific observation should play a primary role in understanding the world.

De Motu

Irish bishop George Berkeley's firm rejection of Isaac Newton's laws of time, space and motion.  Makes clear that gravity and motion are occult, not physical qualities and are created by minds. For advanced readers only.

The Genesis of Species

George Mivart's scholarly refutation of Charles Darin's contemporaneous Origin of Species. Complete with handsome engravings.

Blueprints of Maginot Line

Detail famous fortifications built at cost of billions in today's dollars to protect France along its border with Germany. A truly visionary plan completed despite resistance from elitists who claimed that the German Army had previously flanked that border by invading Belgium in an earlier war.

Social Cannonball Model

Application of thermodynamics to leadership. First put to words in Scottish physicist Balfour Stewart’s The Place of Life in a Universe of Energy:

“When a man pursues his course undaunted by opposition, unappalled by obstacles, he is said to be a very energetic man. By his energy, we mean the power which he possesses of overcoming obstacles; and the amount of his energy is measured by the amount of obstacles which he can overcome, by the amount of work which he can do. Such a man may in truth be regarded as a social cannon-ball. By means of his energy of character he will scatter the ranks of his opponents and demolish their ramparts. 

Nevertheless such a man will sometimes be defeated by an opponent who does not possess a tithe of his personal energy. Now, why is this? The reason is that, although his opponent may be deficient in personal energy, yet he may possess more than an equivalent in the high position which he occupies, and it is simply this position that enables him to combat successfully with a man of much greater personal energy than himself.

If two men throw stones at one another, one of whom stands on the top of a house and the other at the bottom, the man at the top of the house has evidently the advantage. So in like manner, if two men of equal personal energy contend together, the one who has the highest social position has the best chance of succeeding. But this high position means energy under another form. It means that at some remote period a vast amount of personal energy was expended in raising the family into this high position. The founder of the family had doubtless greater energy than his fellow-men, and spent it in raising himself and his family into a position of advantage.”

Often found with fresh highlighting of specific text.

Final note: We have engaged highly competent interns to fully examine these works and provide possibly incomprehensible summaries for us to examine further during recesses in our ongoing libel and slander suits.

-- Your Editors

Best Craft Beers!!

The results are in!  The Forest announces winners of our 2016 Craft Beer Festival. We urge our readers to try these excellent brews at your local tavern, or wherever fine spirits are sold.

9. FAT BICYCLE

A Moldovian style hard wheat and oatmeal lager great with difficult to swallow favorites such as tongue sandwiches or unsalted potatoes. Also for special moments such as toasts at volatile mixed ethnicity weddings, or simply enjoyed on its own in the company of cable TV.  Exudes a reassuring aura of inscrutably plain cherry liqueur bolstered with hints of Tennessee thistles and burned chaff.

8. SUITCASE MEDIUM ALE

Briefly discontinued after Bert and Marty Olson's gravel wall brewery in its namesake town's grain shipping district exploded twice in the same day, the mid Nebraska classic has returned!  It's now brewed with even more authority in a converted silo on the surviving Olsons' family farm. An authentic cornfield ale, it serves well with stolid Midwestern fare such as stove fried burgers or any potato chip lined casserole.  Dependably steady with a clever soybean pollen and shredded hay aftertaste.

7. LOST ESKIMO

Colder is bolder anytime you're talking about this tough sledding UPHB (Upper Peninsula Heller Bock) shivering wild rice winter gala ale.  Equally in the game whether cracked open at ice fishing breakfasts or strapped onto a recent hockey injury, the Eskimo is best left in your freezer until it bursts out of its signature amber bottle fully frozen. Real devotees have been known to lightly warm a spoon or buck knife and enjoy this chill brew right then and there. 

Limited availability outside Alaska, Greenland and Michigan. 

6. WURSTBOCK

The quality grains in this MNA (Mid North American) Maibock are soaked to mush in hot springs somewhere north of Little Rock, then shipped to Makoti, ND, for exclusive hot basted malting. With overtones of heirloom currants and highway marker, the upper plains near-favorite goes well with classic northerner delights from chips and asparagus dip to heavily curded Poutine. Shipped in 16 oz. cans only.

5. BAD HEIFER

If you're looking for an authentic Hefeweizen partly to mostly cloudy wheat beer with a genuinely beefy heft, mosey no farther than this Bad Bergzabern inspired jack straw lager.  First introduced at local, unlicensed rodeos, it has grown to be the gulp of choice at many Western style events.  It's busting with plenty of ABV (alcohol by volume) - and barely carbonated in order to slide down "in mass and fast" - for a guaranteed rapid onset buzz between quick mounts.  Yet it's big hearted enough to last for plenty of tall tales around the trailer lot.  Not recommended for young children or small women.

4. BUSTED PLANK

Lynne and Fred Linsdale, notorious crafters of central southern MPA (Mississippi Pale Ale), won't confirm that the proprietary yeast for this sweltering afternoon favorite was purloined from a remote backwater of a bankrupt European Union principality, but they're not denying it, either. No matter; enjoy its crisp, lightly carbonated unpretentiousness smattered with wafts of huckleberry root and split wood. Enjoyed by some with smoke hardened meats or Canadian Goose wings.  

Sold by growler only; inquire at your local draft house or hire someone to locate it.

3. NULL SKUNK

Ever tentatively downed an over-shelved, volume-priced brew and been caught short by that infamous stale initial bite and acrid aftertaste you were fearing even as you bought the stuff?  Not with Null Skunk - the mass produced microbrew you can count on to not deliver the worst a beer is capable of.  Filtered once, and occasionally krausened, this lazy lager gurgles down well with most bar snacks and the occasional Reese's Cup.  A dependable "go to" for those predawn hours when your friendly neighborhood gathering spot has run out of everything else.  Now available in 50-can bargain cases.

2.  77777 

Not for everyone seated in the barroom high tops, this ultra brisk THA (Tennessee Hops Alone) lager is uniquely backward filtered to remove all malted grain flavor and deliver one hundred percent hop bitters. It's replete with enough latent grain and malt related sugar to yield the spirits you need for that unbeatable beer grin, but makes no apologies for going all out on sheer acrid brightness and bite for today's "hyped on hops" crowd.

Often consumed with anything edible and close at hand.

1. FOREVER BLACK

Only when its middling quality grains have mildewed to complete blackness are they flash burned on zinc sheets over propane torches to yield the triple black malts exclusive to this near liquid potable. Decidedly incapable of quenching any thirst, it's the definitive ITOS (Indiana Thick Oat Stout) with overwhelming throat feel and flavor soaked heaviness to log in as our top pick. Perfect for challenging crafty beer groupies to leave their lumberjack shirts behind in Brooklyn and partake in some authentic maltose slogging. Takes on those annoying overgrown craft guy beards, as well, with a rich foamy head suitable for use with any razor.

Sold in single, hard ceramic stopped 150ml bottles.

I

ENOUGH ALREADY!!

"Nuance"  A word so suddenly trendy, yet so inexplicably stale.  Refers to a wisely and well considered mode employed when not really taking a clear stand on anything.

New York Times Editorial: "The issues surrounding who uses what bathroom and when and where are fraught with complexity.  It requires a nuanced approach."

The Forest:  "We use the Kwick Gas Mart across the street."

“It is what it is.”  Vacant capitulation to crap.

Tearful Forest Temp Worker: “My paycheck bounced again."

Clueless Forest Business Manager: "Mine too."

Lame Brain Forest Staff Writer: "It is what it is.”

"Dog Whistle"  We're dog tired of this one ever since our office dog walker Scoop McKenzie let the cat out of the bag that it’s not the whistle in his man purse. It's shorthand for speaking in code, so that a seemingly innocent term or expression conveys special (generally nefarious) meaning to a certain audience. See, humans can't hear a dog whistle, but the dog does. Get it??!!

Fox News Commentator: "The candidate's statement is a dog whistle for more free spending liberal waste and stupidity."

                                                  The Forest Commentator: "When she said Trump should release his tax returns??"

“There you go.” Empty drivel rolled out in place of a real comment or coherent logic.

Man on First Barstool (matter of factly): "We killed Mom yesterday."

Man on Next Barstool (at first horrified): "That's awful!"

Man on First Barstool (elucidating): "Not a tough decision; none of us really liked                                                                   her"

Man on Next Barstool (affirmatively): "There you go."

“At the End of the Day” A brain draining substitute for "in the long run." Just gives us a headache.

“It's All Good!”  Moronic testament uttered by someone scurrying away from you. A favorite of overachievers in warp drive.

Salesman: “I sold at least something today. Guess that's good.”

Motivation Expert: "It's all good!"

"Going forward…" Implying, we guess, from now on. And what, exactly, was wrong with “from now on”? 

"Eponymous"  Why have we been so undeservedly ambushed by this affected gobbledygook?  Seems it's a torturous reference to something named after something else, or apparently (gulp!) also the other way around?  

1. (of a person) being the person after whom a literary work, film, etc, is named: the eponymous heroine in the film of Jane Eyre. 

2. (of a literary work, film, etc) named after its central character or creator: the Stooges' eponymous debut

album. 

Collins English Dictionary

The adjectives derived from eponym, which include eponymous and eponymic,^{[2][6]similarly refers to being the person or thing after whom something is named, as "the eponymous founder of the Ford Motor Company" refers to Henry Ford.[7][8] Recent usage, especially in the recorded-music industry, also allows eponymous to mean "named after its central character or creator".[7]}

Dictionary.com by way of Wikipedia

But means which and when? Oh, never mind.

Editors Note: Consistent with our unflagging confusion, we at The Forest use some of these.  We promise to do better going forward. Oops, darn!

Where’s Michael?

Trump Presidency: The First 100 Days

In the admirable spirit of intellectual exercise, The Forest challenges you, our dedicated readers, to attempt to locate Republican vice president Mike Pence in the following illustrative artwork depicting the imminent reign of President Donald Trump.  Replete with prescient imagery, your editors believe this luminous exercise also presents an opportunity for jocular and thoughtful deliberation, suitable for both for mature adults and American voters alike. 

Victory Celebration

First Cabinet Meeting

State of the Union

Initiating Immigration Reform

Attacking Congress

Preparing Impeachment Defense

In Search of an Exit

Back to Indiana

Artwork Stolen From: Estate of George Grosz

Art Manipulation: Cartoonist "In Residence" Nkey Finghurs

Entire Ridiculous Idea: Associate Editor Lieno Tipe

A BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF HILLARY DID!!!

Young Hillary, The Birth of Duplicity

Through our extensive contacts and highly credible sources, The Forest has obtained an aggregation of further criminal activities on the part of Hillary Clinton, the questionably nominated candidate for the Democratic Party in this year's vital presidential election. These revelations are unique, as they demonstrate inherent pathological behavior from an early age.  We list merely a few below.

1. Cheated at Hopscotch

Chalked in her own lines, then clandestinely rubbed them out, forcing her victimized playmates to hop through a significantly more difficult course.

2. Laundered Girl Scout Cookie Sales 

Volunteered to collect and deposit cash for Park Ridge, Illinois, Girl Scout Troop 006000 annual cookie sale drive. Instead, lawlessly expropriated extensive share of proceeds, concealing her illicit gains in bag beneath her dirty socks.

3. Sent Hate Mail to NASA

Rabid after being informed only men could be astronauts, 14 year old Hillary illicitly threatened to "...steal Alan Shepard’s dog and blow up Cape Canaveral.”

4. Extorted Ted Kennedy to Take SATs

As any loser feeble enough to listen to her criminal accomplice Bill Clinton’s most recent, pathetic convention speech learned, Hillary witnessed election fraud (or so SHE says) while conducting unauthorized surveillance on Chicago's South Side prior to the 1960 election, in which John F. Kennedy was elected president.  Four years later, she exploited this insider knowledge, forcing Ted Kennedy, sadly attempting to preserve his brother's legacy, to fraudulently take SAT exams in her place, resulting in her being named National Merit Finalist.

5. Butted in for Wellesley's Last Dish of Jello 

Lauded for long list of alleged undergraduate achievements at Wellesley College in snooty, ultra rich Massachusetts habitat of the same name. All false, known primarily for barging ahead to forcefully pillage superior share of prized dorm food. 

6. Forged Entire Yale Law Record

Yes, sadly, but unsurprisingly, she never even went there.

Attributions:

1. Confirmed by former sidewalk accomplice Maryanne Marston, currently residing at Noble Truth halfway house following most recent prison release.

2. Sworn statement of former troop mate Eleanor "Ellie" Batterman, conservative talk show host (recently retired) at KKKT Radio, Winnetoon, Nebraska.

3. Verified by next door neighbor Al Thomston, who viewed real time execution of illegal document through high powered Zeiss Mercury telescope.

4. Entire debacle detailed in creative writing therapy project by former classmate Arndt Schmiler, Rugby, ND.

5. See working draft of Associate Certificate thesis by former hall mate Amantha "Mandi" Oddenhal  for comprehensive, disgusting details.

6. Easy enough to find out.