REPUBLICAN PARTY MOVES TO TEXAS!!

SOMEWHERE WEST OF PECOS

By: LIENO TIPE

In reaction to Republican House Speaker John Boehner's remarks regarding an extremely threatening situation in Washington, his entire Party moved to the state of Texas late Friday. In a speech earlier in the week Mr. Boehner warned of a militaristic Obama program, stating : “…we’re expecting over the next 22 months to be the focus of this administration as they attempt to annihilate the Republican Party.”

Leaders of the party saw the massive relocation to be in their best interests in light of the President's alleged bellicose stance.  “We're talking a matter of survival,” said one Republican congressman. “It’s going to be very difficult for the President to get to us once we’re all down here in the Lone Star State.”

Although other points on the map, based on voting percentages, are more solidly Red States, Republicans feel that Texas is the best overall location to dig in.

“Plenty of guns and a history of self-preservation,” said a key spokesperson. “Texas had its own revolution and was an independent republic. And talk about a heroic tradition of defense! I’m sure you remember the Alamo.”

Another Republican leader pointed out additional strategic and tactical considerations. “There’s talk of secession down here,” he said. “What better way to seclude us from the dangers of the Capitol?  And lots of wide open spaces for anyone who wants to hide.”

Some naysayers were less enthusiastic. “As far as secession, the numbers don’t add up,” an economist from the University of Texas stated. “According to the latest census figures, our state paid out $148 billion a year in federal taxes and took in $226 billion in federal buckaroos if you include military spending and something called Social Security. That dog won’t hunt.”

A middle schooler from Abilene  added perhaps the most rudimentary perspective:  “The Alamo?  Like, didn’t those dudes all get wiped out?”

GINGRICH DELIVERS INAUGURATION SPEECH BY MISTAKE!!

WASHINGTON,  D.C.

JANUARY 22, 2013
By: LIENO TIPE

Speaking on a cable television network very early this morning, Newt Gingrich unexpectedly delivered what appeared to be an inauguration speech. Hosts of the overnight Fox News program were taken off guard when the former House Speaker launched into the lengthy delivery.

 

“It wasn’t included in our talking points,” said a network spokesman. “We had planned to afford Newt his usual chance to expound on whatever he wants, and then he suddenly was off and running with this.”

Some political analysts conjecture that Mr. Gingrich grew to believe he would be the next president because Fox News continues to give him unprecedented coverage. “Perhaps his confusion is understandable,” said one expert.  “They keep bringing him on, in spite of the fact that even voters in his own party rejected him.  I have to admit I’m confused.”

“We can certainly, as usual, blame the media,” said Mr. Gingrich’s third wife Callista. “But let’s not let the Democrats off the hook. Not one of them stepped up to remind my husband that he really has no say in anything now.”

In the course of his windy spiel, Mr. Gingrich outlined his vision for the future, which includes the elimination of Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and most funding for education and the arts, offset by construction of a thirty foot concrete wall at the Mexican border and a re-examination of our nation’s nuclear capability.

Reaction from the White House was limited.  According to a spokesperson, President Obama was "tied up running the country, in case you haven't heard"  First Lady Michelle Obama was occupied returning fourteen of the fifteen designer dresses prepared for her appearance at inauguration balls.

Former presidential runner Mitt Romney at first lauded Mr. Gingrich’s plucky attempt to claim entry to the Oval Office, but very soon reversed course.  “A nice try,” Mr. Romney stated, “But like 47 percent of our country, it’s just not going to work."

Adventures of Ralphie Couch!!

Stone Age tribe, not congress, solved fiscal Crisis!!!

Washington, D.C.

January 2, 2013
By: LIENO TIPE

A recently discovered primitive tribe, it was revealed today, was secretly behind legislation passed over the past two days to avoid the fiscal cliff.  Several key members of the tribe were said to provide unusual demonstrations in closed-door sessions with House and Senate leadership.

“They are probably the world’s foremost experts on the issue,” said Dr. Noel Crevass, an anthropologist who discovered the tribe in rugged, uncharted peaks of the Andes Mountains.  “After all, they’re Cliff Dwellers.”

A White House spokesperson, who asked to remain unidentified, believes the tribe members were uniquely qualified to provide a powerful example to a Congress that seemed hopelessly deadlocked.  “Congress had totally mucho months to take care of this,” the person said. “And they did zip…as in nada.  It was like they wanted to live on the cliff until they went pre-historic.”

“Congress was definitely continuing its practice of what we call Retrograde Evolution,” said Dr. Crevass. “So we thought we’d show them where they were headed if they stayed on their current, backward path.”

The Andean Cliff Dwellers provide a cautionary tale for governments unwilling, or unable, to deal with distribution of resources.  All tribe members work equally hard, and, at year’s end, their leaders are expected to divide their produced goods equitably.

“Occasionally it doesn’t work out that way,” Dr. Crevass said. “Certain leaders try to sneak all the stuff to themselves and one or two friends, resulting in endless bickering and accusations.  As the brutal winter sets in, the Cliff Dwellers revolt, forcing their leaders off the cliffs with sharp sticks heated in hot coals.  They live 14,000 feet above sea level, so that can be a long drop down in many cases.”

“It looked like we were at a standstill,” said House Speaker John Boehner.  “But having the Cliff Dwellers in the room added a fresh perspective.”

“From the start, our Party has been negotiating in full faith as long as we could always get our way,” added Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.  “We thought that was best for the American people, but it was hard to do with these savages breathing down our backs.”

“The Cliff Dwellers know when they’re being fed gibberish,” says Dr. Crevass.  “These people have lived for thousands of years on dried moss and roasted muskrats, and even they understand that.”

Here Again!! The Adventures of Ralphie Couch.