The Forest

REPUBLICAN PARTY MOVES TO TEXAS!!

SOMEWHERE WEST OF PECOS

By: LIENO TIPE

In reaction to Republican House Speaker John Boehner's remarks regarding an extremely threatening situation in Washington, his entire Party moved to the state of Texas late Friday. In a speech earlier in the week Mr. Boehner warned of a militaristic Obama program, stating : “…we’re expecting over the next 22 months to be the focus of this administration as they attempt to annihilate the Republican Party.”

Leaders of the party saw the massive relocation to be in their best interests in light of the President's alleged bellicose stance.  “We're talking a matter of survival,” said one Republican congressman. “It’s going to be very difficult for the President to get to us once we’re all down here in the Lone Star State.”

Although other points on the map, based on voting percentages, are more solidly Red States, Republicans feel that Texas is the best overall location to dig in.

“Plenty of guns and a history of self-preservation,” said a key spokesperson. “Texas had its own revolution and was an independent republic. And talk about a heroic tradition of defense! I’m sure you remember the Alamo.”

Another Republican leader pointed out additional strategic and tactical considerations. “There’s talk of secession down here,” he said. “What better way to seclude us from the dangers of the Capitol?  And lots of wide open spaces for anyone who wants to hide.”

Some naysayers were less enthusiastic. “As far as secession, the numbers don’t add up,” an economist from the University of Texas stated. “According to the latest census figures, our state paid out $148 billion a year in federal taxes and took in $226 billion in federal buckaroos if you include military spending and something called Social Security. That dog won’t hunt.”

A middle schooler from Abilene  added perhaps the most rudimentary perspective:  “The Alamo?  Like, didn’t those dudes all get wiped out?”