GROVER NORQUIST JAILED!!

Grover Norquist, a prominent Washington lobbyist, was arrested by federal agents early this morning and held without bail on 938 counts of coercion and conspiracy, citing, among many Class C and D felonies, title 18 of the United States Code, which prohibits threats to impede the actions of government employees.

According to federal prosecutors, who requested a long and not very nice incarceration for Mr. Norquist, his coercion of congressmen to sign his controversial Taxpayer Protection Pledge was intended to unduly restrict them in unbiased consideration of affairs of state.

"I believe this is the appropriate action," former presidential candidate Mitt Romney commented. "I wanted to get rid of that bird, why shouldn't I want to see his pal Grover locked away."

“Seems like a no-brainer,” said a doorman at a prominent Park Avenue building.  “You can whine at your congressman and try to get him voted out. But this whack nut said if you don’t do what I tell you, I’ll set the hounds on your butt.”

“Worse than the unions,” stated a one percenter leaving the building.  "The guy says: The hell with the bosses. Sign up with me or we'll run you out of town.”

“I didn’t vote for the man,” squawked a senior citizen waving her umbrella.  “If he wants to take away Medicare let him make a joke of himself in the primaries just like everyone else.”

“Duh,” said a middle school student passing by. “You get elected, you make your pledge to the American people, not some other dude. Even I get that.”

POST THANKSGIVING STRESS DISORDER

(PTSD)

THURSDAY NIGHT

Bad Dream of Cave Painting

.

FRIDAY AFTERNOON

"That one takes cash or credit card.

This one requires a second mortgage."

SATURDAY NIGHT

"Not much of anything. What are you up to?"

SUNDAY AFTERNOON

"It doesn't matter whether it's college or NFL, Frank.

I'm still leaving you."

SUNDAY NIGHT

Paleolithic Relatives Still in Basement

MONDAY MORNING

Turkey Latte

Geithner, Bernanke Request Twinkie Bailout

By LIENO TIPE

(aka F. Sherwood)

November 19, 2012

In view of looming bankruptcy proceedings for Hostess Brands, Inc., U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke recommended a bailout of the snack food Twinkies today. “We do not think it wise to allow a vital snack to go by the wayside,” Mssrs. Geithner and Bernanke stated in a joint press release issued shortly after lunch today. “The run on the snack aisles across the country has already reached dangerous proportions.”

Surprisingly, many fiscal conservatives responded favorably, including former vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan.  “As you know, Governor Romney and I were clearly against any big-spending bailouts, even though I voted for them,” said the Wisconsin congressman.  “But I think we can do this.”

Mr. Romney, whose former company Bain Capital had hoped to acquire the company for $.0002 on the dollar and sell the Twinkie brand for an estimated $215 billion, had a different view than his one-time running mate.

“My position on big government spending has been consistent,” said Mr. Romney.  “And I don't know what percentage of Americans eat them, but those things aren't allowed in my house.”

The White House seemed, for the most part, uninformed of the request, but responded anyway.  “We appreciate Tim and Ben reaching out,” a spokesperson noted.  “But Twinkies aren’t really part of our vocabulary.  Kind of more our parent's thing.” Vice President Joe Biden, though, showed enthusiastic support, calling the proposal a “real lunch bucket issue.”

Reaction from the financial community has been mixed.  J.P. Morgan Stanley, which sold all the troubled company’s debt to its own investors, was cautious.  “We’d have to look at what conditions the government would demand,” said a high-level executive, who asked not to be quoted.  “If it affects my bonus, I’d prefer bankruptcy.”

Mr. Geithner’s office did not elaborate on specifics regarding the proposed financial rescue of the firm, which rang up $2 billion in sales last year.  “I don’t think we’re talking about the actual company,” said a staff member who seemed more confused than usual. “I think the Treasury Secretary just wants to save the Twinkies themselves.”

We made this up. You can’t sue us.

- The Editors

Hostess Twinkies: An American Icon or JPJF (Just Plain Junk Food)?  Tell us what you think. 

Exclusive on Cantor/Patraeus Controversy!

Cantor Calls For End to Petraeus Inquiries

By LIENO TIPE

(aka F. Sherwood)

November 17, 2012

In a surprise move very early this morning, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor advocated cessation of any government inquiries regarding an F.B.I. investigation of  General David Petraeus’ relationship with his biographer Paula Broadwell. 

“We, as a nation, move on,” Mr. Cantor wrote in a somewhat garbled statement released at 4 a.m. today. “Very serious challenges, etc. Move on, move on.”

The sudden announcement caught many off guard, as Representative Cantor’s own Republican Party has been among the most vociferous in calling for full disclosure on the matter.

“I admit I was surprised,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner. “But it might be a good idea. As you might know, President Obama won the recent close election, and wants to jam through ridiculous, job-killing, stupid tax increases, so we might better focus our energies there.”

Mr. Boehner’s colleague Mitch McConnell concurred. “Obama didn’t really carry Ohio,” the Senate Minority Leader grumbled. “And I need to concentrate on getting him out of office.”

News of the Petraeus affair first surfaced when the General stepped down from his post as Director of the C.I.A., stating that public knowledge of his past relationship with Ms. Broadwell would make it too difficult for him to be effective in the position.

            
Questions then arose if any breach of national security occurred, and several members of Congress expressed concern that the F.B.I. had not informed them of the investigation.  So it came as some surprise that the matter had, in fact, been brought to Mr. Cantor’s attention several weeks earlier.

            
“Yep,” Mr. Cantor says. “Just didn’t click with me at the time.”

Democrats on the Senate Intelligence Committee are particularly incensed by Mr. Cantor’s request to halt any further inquiries. “I admit I was the first to gripe that we hadn't been informed about the investigation,” said the committee’s chairperson Senator Dianne Feinstein. “But the Republicans quickly put us to shame in the whining wheelhouse. Then, SURPRISE!, turns out a prominent member of their own party had been given a head’s up all along, and what did the weasel do with that information?  Nada.”

Senator Dan Coats, a Republican member of the committee expressed a different viewpoint. “Yeah, I was a little riled that my pal kept it under his hair,” he said. “But now that he’s weighed in further, I think we can laugh it off.”

The F.B.I. investigation led to the General by a serpentine route, beginning with what initially seemed a routine case of cyber bitching. Jill Kelley, a supposed socialite in Tampa, Florida, told an F.B.I. agent she had received anonymous emails trashing her out. That individual brought the matter to the attention of the agency’s Cyber Crimes unit. The trail led to Paula Broadwell - author of a biography of General Patraeus - and evidence surfaced that the two had been in the sack more than once.

A White House spokesperson believed Mr. Cantor’s request to be particularly specious. “Interesting that he should reach out now,” she stated. “Different spin.” As has been frequently noted, much of President Obama’s youthful staff spends hours a day staring at Facebook and sending Tweets, so their amusement that Mr. Cantor thinks the Patreous affair could so easily drop from sight is understandable.

A Congressional page, who asked to remain anonymous, expressed perhaps a more poignant view: “Yeah, for sure. Cantor clued in his entire posse about the whole deal way back, but Republicans have been all like: ‘Duh, we didn’t know s*&t.’”

The most radical assertion concerning Mr. Cantor’s request suggests he is more involved in the controversy than previously thought, as in maybe way more. The BottomFeed, a sporadic muckraking website writes: “We have it from at least one of our sources that the annoying Cantor is a long-time acquaintance of both Broadwell and Kelley, and we leave that to your imagination.”  Mainstream media have stayed away from such conjecture, including this newspaper.

A spokesperson for Mr. Cantor, who has subsequently become unavailable, was also unavailable.

The Article the Wall Street Journal Refused

Romney Arrested on Bribery Charges

By LIENO TIPE
(aka F. Sherwood)

Published November 16, 2012

Former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney was arrested early Friday, charged with multiple counts of attempted bribery during the recent presidential campaign.  U.S. Federal Attorney Gregg Stern said Mr. Romney had been held in connection with offers made to a select group voters in speeches and advertising during the battle for the White House.

“Mr. Romney promised continuation of the tax cuts initiated in the Bush administration,” Mr. Stern stated. “These were very considerable monetary incentives, made with blatant disregard for federal statutes prohibiting the purchase of support in any election.”  He indicated his office was also looking into allegations of other promises of payouts, including loosening of federal regulations, repeal of ObamaCare, and a change in job status for a highly popular figure associated with National Public Television's educational programming.

The former Massachusetts governor, his wife Anne and their five sons were detained as they were about to leave the country for the Cayman Islands on one of the family’s private jets.  Mr. Romney was released later in the day on bail of $10 million. Mrs. Romney posted the amount with spare cash pulled from her purse, and the couple quickly left the facility where her husband was being held.  Questioned about the quick turn around on such a large sum, their eldest son Taggart stated he was not surprised.  “Yes, it was a large amount,” he said.  “But that was a pretty large purse.”

Mr. Romney’s attorney Burt Freemen stated that the charges were groundless and he was confident any allegations of unlawful or unethical actions by the former candidate would be proven utterly false.  “These are utterly false,” Mr. Freeman said.  “To suggest that such obscure statutes have any relevance regarding Governor Romney’s actions before, during or after the campaign is without foundation.  We have filed with the court to have the charges dismissed on the face of it.”  He further stated that even if any misguided, un-elected public officials believed the Romney campaign tactics were technically illegal, such transgressions were no longer relevant because precedent for not contesting bribery had been established earlier in the campaign. 

 “The Democrats were bribing day in and day out,” a former Romney campaign spokesman concurred. “They offered assistance on loans to struggling students, more food stamps to the urban poor, and free contraceptives to young women whether their bosses want them to have them or not. Obama started all this, and it’s really, really unfair.”

A member of the White House press team countered that such a comparison was off the mark. “The incentives for voters we reached out to were significant,” she argued. “But compared to the Bush tax cuts, they look like Miller Lite at a brew pub.”

Albert Collums, a tax expert at Lupol Tax Institute, believed the idea that the Republicans would offer bribes to wealthy Americans was highly unlikely.  “Any candidate in his right mind would know that that segment of voters could never be so easily swayed,”  Mr. Collums said. “These people already have more money than they know what to do with.”

This opinion was disputed by Dr. Roger Epstein, head of the Epstein Institute of Psychology and Fitness, referring to numerous personality studies of highly wealthy and powerful individuals.  “Enough is never enough for them,” Dr. Epstein said. “When we administered written tests, we often caught participants stealing the pens.”

In the course of the arrest, authorities also impounded a number of cardboard boxes that appeared to have been sealed hastily with shipping tape. The boxes have not been opened, pending further orders from the court, but an employee of the private airport, where the Romney family keeps a few of its jets at the ready, suspects the boxes may contain significant quantities of cash, in both large and small bills.

The Romney spokesmen laughed off the airport employee’s remarks, stating that such misrepresentations were typical of those coming from jealous members of the 47 percent.  “The idea that the Romneys would be exporting cash, to the Cayman Islands or anywhere, is delusional class warfare,” the spokesman said. “And including small bills?  Believe me, if the Romneys were carrying cash, which they weren’t, it would be in denominations larger than you’ll ever see.”

When questioned regarding the spokesman’s protest, the employee re-affirmed his earlier statements, reporting that the Romneys routinely carried bills of all denominations in a variety of containers.  He stated that while preparing for a previous flight from the same Florida airport, the day immediately following the election, the family had used boxes identical to those seized during the bribery arrest this morning.  “On that day, I had just returned at 10 a.m. after I finally voted,” the employee said. “I saw the open boxes when they borrowed packing tape from me. Not sure where the tape ended up, though.”

A court date for trial on the bribery charges has not been set, awaiting the judge’s consideration of petitions filed by anonymous persons or corporations.

This article is a farcical invention.  Totally untrue.
-- The Editors