The Forest

Geithner, Bernanke Request Twinkie Bailout

By LIENO TIPE

(aka F. Sherwood)

November 19, 2012

In view of looming bankruptcy proceedings for Hostess Brands, Inc., U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke recommended a bailout of the snack food Twinkies today. “We do not think it wise to allow a vital snack to go by the wayside,” Mssrs. Geithner and Bernanke stated in a joint press release issued shortly after lunch today. “The run on the snack aisles across the country has already reached dangerous proportions.”

Surprisingly, many fiscal conservatives responded favorably, including former vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan.  “As you know, Governor Romney and I were clearly against any big-spending bailouts, even though I voted for them,” said the Wisconsin congressman.  “But I think we can do this.”

Mr. Romney, whose former company Bain Capital had hoped to acquire the company for $.0002 on the dollar and sell the Twinkie brand for an estimated $215 billion, had a different view than his one-time running mate.

“My position on big government spending has been consistent,” said Mr. Romney.  “And I don't know what percentage of Americans eat them, but those things aren't allowed in my house.”

The White House seemed, for the most part, uninformed of the request, but responded anyway.  “We appreciate Tim and Ben reaching out,” a spokesperson noted.  “But Twinkies aren’t really part of our vocabulary.  Kind of more our parent's thing.” Vice President Joe Biden, though, showed enthusiastic support, calling the proposal a “real lunch bucket issue.”

Reaction from the financial community has been mixed.  J.P. Morgan Stanley, which sold all the troubled company’s debt to its own investors, was cautious.  “We’d have to look at what conditions the government would demand,” said a high-level executive, who asked not to be quoted.  “If it affects my bonus, I’d prefer bankruptcy.”

Mr. Geithner’s office did not elaborate on specifics regarding the proposed financial rescue of the firm, which rang up $2 billion in sales last year.  “I don’t think we’re talking about the actual company,” said a staff member who seemed more confused than usual. “I think the Treasury Secretary just wants to save the Twinkies themselves.”

We made this up. You can’t sue us.

- The Editors

Hostess Twinkies: An American Icon or JPJF (Just Plain Junk Food)?  Tell us what you think.