Rare holiday gifts!!!
Through our exhaustive research of ongoing social phenomena, The Forest has uncovered a trove of extraordinary items for this gift-giving season. Bestow them generously to enrage those pesky right-wing relatives, to provide your liberal pals a well-deserved holiday chortle, or just to annoy people.
This weighty tome of empty pages comes richly bound in
faux-evidence and makes a handsome addition to any pre-Enlightenment library.
Also available in a special three-volume Collector's Edition, including The
Old Testament Guide to Child Rearing and a full atlas of Ptolemy's maps.
Hard bound only.
Everyone’s favorite mayor is your unwitting host to three fun-filled days in the exciting Toronto suburbs and two frightening nights in the crack house of his choice. Enjoy a special unlimited liquor welcoming package and unfriendly news conference. Generous taxicab voucher pack is included because you won't be allowed to rent a car.
Tough-skinned and chock full of stuff guaranteed to get
caught between your teeth, these pithy paeans to the former House Speaker
continue to make their frequent appearances –whether anyone wants them around
or not. Best stewed or served in
pudding.
Your friends and right-minded associates will quickly warm to this delightful assortment of hot water additives, including: Orange-You- Sick-of-Obama, Green Envy, Black Outlook, Deport the Darjeelings and Earl No Gray Areas. Caution: free of stimulants, but can be habit-forming even when against the user’s self interest.
The ultra-potent potable: induces stupefying loss of equilibrium even in small doses. And fast acting! Guzzlers of this grog can speed right past any frivolous mirth and good cheer and proceed directly to being sick and depressed. No ID required.
- $12.99
Why delay? You can order any of these fine gifts directly from The Forest. Send your cash, cashier’s check, or credit card information, including current billing address and the security code on the back of the card, to:
BY LIENO TIPE
ILLUSTRATIONS BY NKEY FINGHURSThrough our exhaustive research of ongoing social phenomena, The Forest has uncovered a trove of extraordinary items for this gift-giving season. Bestow them generously to enrage those pesky right-wing relatives, to provide your liberal pals a well-deserved holiday chortle, or just to annoy people.
Neo-Conservative Discourses on Logic & Ethics
- $6,563.00
McConnellCake
This unjust dessert honoring the Senate Minority Leader
is generally half-baked and frosts easily on any occasion. Primarily sour
dough, but stuffed with rich Kentucky Pork. Available in no flavors.
- $2.99
Rob Ford Getaway
Everyone’s favorite mayor is your unwitting host to three fun-filled days in the exciting Toronto suburbs and two frightening nights in the crack house of his choice. Enjoy a special unlimited liquor welcoming package and unfriendly news conference. Generous taxicab voucher pack is included because you won't be allowed to rent a car.
- $1289.65
Newt Figs
- $.09 apiece
Kardashian Gift Wrap
The penultimate flimsy sheath of no known purpose comes
with a generous coating of shimmering glitter and gloss and generously folds
around any size package for a short time.
Readily available for any taping session, but guaranteed not to stick to
much. Warning: can prove to be large volume of trash at the end of the
day.
- $5,000,000 for 25 sq. ft. roll
Red State Health Insurance Policy
Treat your lifelong friends and enemies to
coverage free of any shameful government support or job-killing universal
enrollment. State-of-the art exclusions
and risk pool management guarantee the insurer of your choice will remain
highly profitable in order to provide the quality service you think you'll get.
Apply today for one of these premium-rich coverages. Or, avoid the messy
paperwork and just sign your 401k over directly to your favorite health care
conglomerate. Not available in some states by law.
- Call for quote
Ted Cruz Day Planner
Comes already filled with day upon day of obstructionist
events. Includes a newsworthy quote of the hour and daily “Laff Riot”
cartoon of the quirky, lovable senator from Texas up to his usual high jinks.
(Dec. 31/ Jan. 1, for instance, depict the rascally freshman kicking the
infirm 2013 Oldster into the street and throwing the 2014 Baby under a
bus!!) Special Appendix provides extensive suggestions of things to loath in
case your dysfunctional gift recipient runs out of ideas.
$15,000,000,000,000.00
Tea Party Sampler
Your friends and right-minded associates will quickly warm to this delightful assortment of hot water additives, including: Orange-You- Sick-of-Obama, Green Envy, Black Outlook, Deport the Darjeelings and Earl No Gray Areas. Caution: free of stimulants, but can be habit-forming even when against the user’s self interest.
- $200.00
Fox Booze
The ultra-potent potable: induces stupefying loss of equilibrium even in small doses. And fast acting! Guzzlers of this grog can speed right past any frivolous mirth and good cheer and proceed directly to being sick and depressed. No ID required.
- $12.99
The Boehner Bobo
Your negativity-addicted acquaintances will thrill at
this energy-saving avatar of the House Speaker. It's guaranteed to automatically pop up on their behalf
and say "no" to just about everything. Fully inflatable.
- FREE with any purchase
Why delay? You can order any of these fine gifts directly from The Forest. Send your cash, cashier’s check, or credit card information, including current billing address and the security code on the back of the card, to:
The Forest’s Rare and Incredible Gifts
P.O. Box 10101010
Suitcase, NE 101010-1010
The Forest makes no
representations as to the worth of any of these products.
