The Forest

CHENEY NO LONGER SEEKS JOB AS SECRETARY OF STATE!!
SOMEWHERE IN IDAHO

December 14, 2012

BY: LIENO TIPE

In a hastily called press conference at 1:35 a.m. this morning, former Vice President Richard Cheney informed a group of puzzled reporters that he would decline the position as Secretary of State if offered to him.

“What I did bears not even the slightest comparison to that girl Rice’s actions,” said Mr. Cheney, referring to Susan E. Rice, who today removed herself from consideration for the position after considerable pressure from Republicans. “She used intelligence provided to her by the C.I.A.  I made up my own intelligence.”

Many have considered the recent attacks on Ms. Rice to be hypocritical, given the Bush administration’s dicey nomination of Condoleezza Rice for the same position in the shadow of whopping disinformation leading up to the Iraq war.

“Heresy has its toll,” said Mr. Cheney, who is rumored to have recently “found his way to the Lord.”  “I ran the country for eight years. So I thought I was clearly the best candidate for Secretary of State, but now it’s the end of days.”

The idea that the former Vice President thought he was in the running for the nation’s top international relations job caught many by surprise.

 “We appreciate Dick reaching out,” a spokeswoman for the Obama administration said. “Kind of bizarre.”

A top caretaker stated that Mr. Cheney has seemed confused lately, looking for weapons of mass destruction under his porch and attempting to shoot birds off telephone wires with a kitchen mop.

Senator John McCain, who led the recent charge against Susan Rice, was unavailable for comment.