Future residents

of hell!

KryBaby KAV. Faced with highly credible evidence of criminal assault, this guy whimpered his way to Senate confirmation.  As any bad child should know, crying and whining can only lead to a bad end.  Which, by the way, is the region of the body where Bratty Brett will one day feel the heat.

Ice Queen Coney.  Having an actual heart is no guarantee of avoiding banishment to the basement, but it couldn’t hurt. Unfortunately, Cool Coney lost hers somewhere on the way to exiting Momma’s womb. (Likely in a hurry because she has no respect for them.) Arrivederci, Amy.

Kneeling Gorsuch.  Sorry, Neil. Maybe the guys who stole your seat for you should be down here instead (No worries. You’ll see them, regardless.), but that’s not taking heat off you. And News Flash!  Ruling on the side of lethal injections and bump stocks, gets you nowhere but downstairs. So stop praying for mercy and face the flames.

Undoubting Thomas.  Lied at his confirmation, struggled mightily to do no good since. The guy who actually believes in very little except his own infallibility will have no trouble affirming the fact that, no matter how he’d like to rule on it, Hell hurts.  Sorry, the vote to send you to the coals was not even close, Clarence.

Alito Alight. The clear and present danger of “Bad Tony” is that he’s actually intelligent.  Unfortunately, last we looked, there’s no way to con your way out of a conflagration.  And being the smartest guy in the room doesn’t count for much when all of Lower Earth is on fire.  Sayonara, Sammie.

Johnny Hot Cakes. Oh, man did this one hurt!   Say it ain’t so, Mr. Roberts. Just when we started to believe you might offer some sanity in our troubled times, you forced the Big Guy up top to send you down. You can’t “nice guy” your way out of this one. But, even so, maybe we’ll let you off with just Purgatory, where not having a permanent seat is probably good for you.

 

SUPREME COURT DECISIONS TO COME!

Availing our innovative journalistic technology, The Forest’s Associate Editor Lieno Tipe recently journeyed to the future and has reported back on landmark decisions being delivered by our nation’s highly distinguished Supreme Court within the coming years. Or sooner!  We are delighted to share a few of these brilliant legal machinations with you today. (An exclusive for our readers only!)

Freed Virginia Thomas. In QAnon et, al. vs Sanity, Law and Decency, the Court ruled in favor of plaintiff that Virginia Thomas, spouse of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, had been incorrectly been imprisoned for conspiracy to defraud the government, inciting insurrection, making false statements to the FBI and 229 other counts. Justice Amy Coney Barrett wrote: “A significant portion of our Citizenry depends on our First Amendment giving them the right to say whatever they want. In cases involving resistance to government, the Court might expand such rights to attendant behavior. That is to say: if a citizen has a right to state something was ‘stolen,’ an action such as ‘taking back what was stolen’ might reasonably be considered speech and so equally protected.”  In a narrow 5-4 decision allowing the release of Ms. Thomas, Justice Clarence Thomas sided with the minority.

Allowed Texas 363 Alternate Electors. Why not?  In Aghast Citizens vs. Grabner, the Court cited Article 2 of the U.S. Constitution that electors be appointed “…as the Legislature thereof may direct…” in ruling that the state was within its rights to replace electors selected by voters with its own quickly dragooned list of “loyal stooges.”  The Court further ruled that the Article’s stipulation that a state’s electors  equal the number of its Senators and Representatives was open to broad interpretation. “The number allowed is ‘…as may be entitled…’” wrote Justice Brett Kavanaugh in the majority opinion. “We cannot definitely opine that the state of Texas may not at some future date have 363 representatives, even more, allegedly serving in Congress."

Rainbow Ban Upheld. Hurray!  In the heroic ruling in Common Sense and Decency vs. Self Righteous Wastrels, the Court supported a Texas law outlawing any display of the multi-striped visual that had become a symbol of tolerance and unity in the nation’s LGBTQ community. Penning for the majority, Justice Brett Kavanaugh wrote: “This nefarious signal has become an eye-trapping optic, wrongly misleading our nation’s impressionable youth that a meaninful portion of our population is LGBTQ.  A kid believing this might then conclude that some pretty weird thoughts they’re having are actually OK." In a sidebar, Justice Samuel A. Alito added: “The right to display any banner or paint stuff with any colors you like is nowhere stated in our Constitution.”

Mandatory Free Guns. In Scared as Heck Citizens vs. State of Texas, NRA and Remington Arms, et, al., the Court ruled that the state was within its rights to mandate the possession of complementary assault rifles by all its citizens. In formulating its regulation, the state’s legislature included a determination that it could not discriminate based on age in the distribution of tax-funded goods, thus requiring all citizens, regardless of date of birth, to “openly carry.”  On behalf of the majority, Justice Clarence Thomas wrote: “I remind my liberal colleagues, as they may have so often opined but improperly applied, the Second Amendment articulates the right to bear arms in the context of ‘a well-regulated militia.’ The State of Texas has broad powers in designating who shall be militia, and we cannot expect any such militia to be considered ‘well regulated’ if they are not required to carry adequate firearms.” 

Premarital Sex Prohibited.  In Normal Adults vs. Shamers, Shibboleths and Shotguns et, al., the Court ruled a Texas Law banning intimate relations between unmarried individuals remain standing. The 5-4 decision was reached shortly after Justices Elena Kaganovich, Sonia Sotomayor and Ketanji Brown Jackson explained to Justice Amy Coney Bryant what premarital sex is. “No need to really elaborate on this,” Justice Clarence wrote in for the majority. In a concurring opinion, Justice Samuel Alito added: “There is no language in our Constitution guaranteeing a right to fornication.” 

Overturned Marbury vs. Madison.  In a centuries overdue reversal, the Court in Nearly Every Law Professor vs. Eris, God of Chaos et,al., threw to the winds the 1803 precedent establishing the nation’s federal courts’ authority to overturn state laws and lower court decisions deemed unconstitutional. As a result, the Court will no longer review such cases. The current Court’s opinion, in it’s entirety, read: “We’re busy enough as it is.”  Legal scholar Laurence Tribe dubbed the new decision “…significantly mind-blowing. If the Court continues down this path, they might soon rule themselves out of a job. On further thought, not a bad idea, maybe.”

Thanksgiving cartoon edition!

Tuesday

Birds seek medical treatment.

Wednesday 

Busiest travel day of year

Thursday

(Thanksgiving!)

Family differences highlighted.

Friday

Black Friday

Saturday

Leftover Conference

Sunday

Relatives still here!

Monday

Bad day

TRUMP SUPPORTERS MORE DIVERSE THAN BIDEN’S!

Utilizing our highly superior demographic measuring techniques, The Forest has made an expectedly startling  discovery. Contrary to dubiously promulgated myths regarding so-called diversity among Democrats, the Republican Party, as re-invigorated by Donald J. Trump for his 2020 re-election, is far more varied and representative of our great country.  Likely much, much more!  The easy-to-comprehend charts below boldly depict just a cursory delineation of this dramatic difference.

SOCIALIST BIDEN VOTERS

TRUMP PATRIOTS

We urge our loyal readers to look to upcoming issues of The Forest for up-to-the-minute updates on other current news regarding Donald J. Trump’s re-election for a second term, including reports on pointless lawsuits, affidavits definitely not fake and other valiant efforts to overturn democracy.

Thanks again for reading and have a safe day.

ALL THE PRESIDENT’S LADIES

Mike “Micky Pompadour" Pompeo. Ever since this “Sexy-tary" of State was cornered into admitting being on our ultimate phone-man's “Perfect Call” with Ukraine’s president, she has ably turned in a full array of performances, from throwing out a troublesome inspector general to tossing foolishly dedicated diplomats under the bus. Regrettably, not much of a "looker."  Unless you count looking like you've been caught with your paw in the cookie jar.

William “Willing Willa” Barr.  When our eager-to-please Attorney General dutifully dissembled regarding the long awaited Mueller Report, she was just building up her head of steam. In a quest to identify the deep state conspirators who wanted the darned investigation in the first place, she’s currently relishing multiple probes of the very organization she’s purportedly heading. Particularly adept at justifying unleashing masked federal performers on peaceful protests. Way to go, Willy!

Mike “Penny” Pence. When it’s time to carry water for our Commandant in Chief, no matter the mission, you can always “Count on the Penny." Able to spin the most odious offal into sweet innocence. Overly concerned about a godless White House?  No worries. This winsome Veep has got you covered with daily prayers!

“B*tch” McConnell. Generally just mopes around but, when ridden hard enough, this moody Majority Matron can faithfully, if begrudgingly, cook up just about any kind of stinking mess. Not allowed in the parlor.

Shauna Hannity. Count on this willing mouthpiece to spout the nonsense of the day to her adoring fans and bend over backwards to provide our Perfect Prez all the airtime he requires for even his most bizarre fantasies. Enough hot air to keep the notorious DT's boundless balloon endlessly inflated.

Jared “Jeri Freeze” Kushner. The original Ice Queen. Closest to the King. Or perhaps not. Keeps even the most intimate insiders guessing about what she might do next, or can do at all for that matter.  At least married well.  Or, perhaps not.