The Forest

 

SUPREME COURT DECISIONS TO COME!

Availing our innovative journalistic technology, The Forest’s Associate Editor Lieno Tipe recently journeyed to the future and has reported back on landmark decisions being delivered by our nation’s highly distinguished Supreme Court within the coming years. Or sooner!  We are delighted to share a few of these brilliant legal machinations with you today. (An exclusive for our readers only!)

Freed Virginia Thomas. In QAnon et, al. vs Sanity, Law and Decency, the Court ruled in favor of plaintiff that Virginia Thomas, spouse of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, had been incorrectly been imprisoned for conspiracy to defraud the government, inciting insurrection, making false statements to the FBI and 229 other counts. Justice Amy Coney Barrett wrote: “A significant portion of our Citizenry depends on our First Amendment giving them the right to say whatever they want. In cases involving resistance to government, the Court might expand such rights to attendant behavior. That is to say: if a citizen has a right to state something was ‘stolen,’ an action such as ‘taking back what was stolen’ might reasonably be considered speech and so equally protected.”  In a narrow 5-4 decision allowing the release of Ms. Thomas, Justice Clarence Thomas sided with the minority.

Allowed Texas 363 Alternate Electors. Why not?  In Aghast Citizens vs. Grabner, the Court cited Article 2 of the U.S. Constitution that electors be appointed “…as the Legislature thereof may direct…” in ruling that the state was within its rights to replace electors selected by voters with its own quickly dragooned list of “loyal stooges.”  The Court further ruled that the Article’s stipulation that a state’s electors  equal the number of its Senators and Representatives was open to broad interpretation. “The number allowed is ‘…as may be entitled…’” wrote Justice Brett Kavanaugh in the majority opinion. “We cannot definitely opine that the state of Texas may not at some future date have 363 representatives, even more, allegedly serving in Congress."

Rainbow Ban Upheld. Hurray!  In the heroic ruling in Common Sense and Decency vs. Self Righteous Wastrels, the Court supported a Texas law outlawing any display of the multi-striped visual that had become a symbol of tolerance and unity in the nation’s LGBTQ community. Penning for the majority, Justice Brett Kavanaugh wrote: “This nefarious signal has become an eye-trapping optic, wrongly misleading our nation’s impressionable youth that a meaninful portion of our population is LGBTQ.  A kid believing this might then conclude that some pretty weird thoughts they’re having are actually OK." In a sidebar, Justice Samuel A. Alito added: “The right to display any banner or paint stuff with any colors you like is nowhere stated in our Constitution.”

Mandatory Free Guns. In Scared as Heck Citizens vs. State of Texas, NRA and Remington Arms, et, al., the Court ruled that the state was within its rights to mandate the possession of complementary assault rifles by all its citizens. In formulating its regulation, the state’s legislature included a determination that it could not discriminate based on age in the distribution of tax-funded goods, thus requiring all citizens, regardless of date of birth, to “openly carry.”  On behalf of the majority, Justice Clarence Thomas wrote: “I remind my liberal colleagues, as they may have so often opined but improperly applied, the Second Amendment articulates the right to bear arms in the context of ‘a well-regulated militia.’ The State of Texas has broad powers in designating who shall be militia, and we cannot expect any such militia to be considered ‘well regulated’ if they are not required to carry adequate firearms.” 

Premarital Sex Prohibited.  In Normal Adults vs. Shamers, Shibboleths and Shotguns et, al., the Court ruled a Texas Law banning intimate relations between unmarried individuals remain standing. The 5-4 decision was reached shortly after Justices Elena Kaganovich, Sonia Sotomayor and Ketanji Brown Jackson explained to Justice Amy Coney Bryant what premarital sex is. “No need to really elaborate on this,” Justice Clarence wrote in for the majority. In a concurring opinion, Justice Samuel Alito added: “There is no language in our Constitution guaranteeing a right to fornication.” 

Overturned Marbury vs. Madison.  In a centuries overdue reversal, the Court in Nearly Every Law Professor vs. Eris, God of Chaos et,al., threw to the winds the 1803 precedent establishing the nation’s federal courts’ authority to overturn state laws and lower court decisions deemed unconstitutional. As a result, the Court will no longer review such cases. The current Court’s opinion, in it’s entirety, read: “We’re busy enough as it is.”  Legal scholar Laurence Tribe dubbed the new decision “…significantly mind-blowing. If the Court continues down this path, they might soon rule themselves out of a job. On further thought, not a bad idea, maybe.”