Special Christmas Cartoon Issue!!

Bad Day at the North Pole

De-criminalized Elves

"Henry still insist on using his homemade lights."

"Something not made in China?

You might try the food court."

 "My own TV controller. How sweet."

 And Introducing:
Adventures of Ralphie Couch

CHENEY NO LONGER SEEKS JOB AS SECRETARY OF STATE!!
SOMEWHERE IN IDAHO

December 14, 2012

BY: LIENO TIPE

In a hastily called press conference at 1:35 a.m. this morning, former Vice President Richard Cheney informed a group of puzzled reporters that he would decline the position as Secretary of State if offered to him.

“What I did bears not even the slightest comparison to that girl Rice’s actions,” said Mr. Cheney, referring to Susan E. Rice, who today removed herself from consideration for the position after considerable pressure from Republicans. “She used intelligence provided to her by the C.I.A.  I made up my own intelligence.”

Many have considered the recent attacks on Ms. Rice to be hypocritical, given the Bush administration’s dicey nomination of Condoleezza Rice for the same position in the shadow of whopping disinformation leading up to the Iraq war.

“Heresy has its toll,” said Mr. Cheney, who is rumored to have recently “found his way to the Lord.”  “I ran the country for eight years. So I thought I was clearly the best candidate for Secretary of State, but now it’s the end of days.”

The idea that the former Vice President thought he was in the running for the nation’s top international relations job caught many by surprise.

 “We appreciate Dick reaching out,” a spokeswoman for the Obama administration said. “Kind of bizarre.”

A top caretaker stated that Mr. Cheney has seemed confused lately, looking for weapons of mass destruction under his porch and attempting to shoot birds off telephone wires with a kitchen mop.

Senator John McCain, who led the recent charge against Susan Rice, was unavailable for comment.

SCHOOLS ELIMINATE HISTORY DEPARTMENTS!!

SOMEWHERE IN TENNESSEE

DECEMBER 6, 2012

BY: LIENO TIPE

Public schools in politically Red States announced this morning that they will no longer teach history. The announcement comes as Congressional Republicans deny that President Obama has a mandate to raise taxes on the wealthiest Americans, simply because he campaigned - and won - on that promise.

"We're following the example of the great leaders in America today,"
said a prominent Red State educator. “It's obvious that history no longer matters, so we've replaced it with advanced accounting.”

Republican Congressmen were modestly flattered.

“We believe ignoring history, recent or otherwise, is a sound strategy,” said House Speaker John Boehner. “It’s as though no one ever supported this bad idea of job-killing tax increases.”

“If we don’t bother with history, we can even forget that rich people ever paid taxes,” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said.

When things that actually happened don’t really count, Congress’ attempts to avoid the fiscal cliff take on new meaning.  “Now gridlock is good,” said former presidential candidate Mitt Romney.  “With the past no longer an issue, we can work harder on denying the future.”

Representative Paul Ryan added further insight: “We were going to obstruct anyway,” he said. “But now the lack of history is on our side.”

GROVER NORQUIST JAILED!!

Grover Norquist, a prominent Washington lobbyist, was arrested by federal agents early this morning and held without bail on 938 counts of coercion and conspiracy, citing, among many Class C and D felonies, title 18 of the United States Code, which prohibits threats to impede the actions of government employees.

According to federal prosecutors, who requested a long and not very nice incarceration for Mr. Norquist, his coercion of congressmen to sign his controversial Taxpayer Protection Pledge was intended to unduly restrict them in unbiased consideration of affairs of state.

"I believe this is the appropriate action," former presidential candidate Mitt Romney commented. "I wanted to get rid of that bird, why shouldn't I want to see his pal Grover locked away."

“Seems like a no-brainer,” said a doorman at a prominent Park Avenue building.  “You can whine at your congressman and try to get him voted out. But this whack nut said if you don’t do what I tell you, I’ll set the hounds on your butt.”

“Worse than the unions,” stated a one percenter leaving the building.  "The guy says: The hell with the bosses. Sign up with me or we'll run you out of town.”

“I didn’t vote for the man,” squawked a senior citizen waving her umbrella.  “If he wants to take away Medicare let him make a joke of himself in the primaries just like everyone else.”

“Duh,” said a middle school student passing by. “You get elected, you make your pledge to the American people, not some other dude. Even I get that.”

POST THANKSGIVING STRESS DISORDER

(PTSD)

THURSDAY NIGHT

Bad Dream of Cave Painting

.

FRIDAY AFTERNOON

"That one takes cash or credit card.

This one requires a second mortgage."

SATURDAY NIGHT

"Not much of anything. What are you up to?"

SUNDAY AFTERNOON

"It doesn't matter whether it's college or NFL, Frank.

I'm still leaving you."

SUNDAY NIGHT

Paleolithic Relatives Still in Basement

MONDAY MORNING

Turkey Latte

Geithner, Bernanke Request Twinkie Bailout

By LIENO TIPE

(aka F. Sherwood)

November 19, 2012

In view of looming bankruptcy proceedings for Hostess Brands, Inc., U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke recommended a bailout of the snack food Twinkies today. “We do not think it wise to allow a vital snack to go by the wayside,” Mssrs. Geithner and Bernanke stated in a joint press release issued shortly after lunch today. “The run on the snack aisles across the country has already reached dangerous proportions.”

Surprisingly, many fiscal conservatives responded favorably, including former vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan.  “As you know, Governor Romney and I were clearly against any big-spending bailouts, even though I voted for them,” said the Wisconsin congressman.  “But I think we can do this.”

Mr. Romney, whose former company Bain Capital had hoped to acquire the company for $.0002 on the dollar and sell the Twinkie brand for an estimated $215 billion, had a different view than his one-time running mate.

“My position on big government spending has been consistent,” said Mr. Romney.  “And I don't know what percentage of Americans eat them, but those things aren't allowed in my house.”

The White House seemed, for the most part, uninformed of the request, but responded anyway.  “We appreciate Tim and Ben reaching out,” a spokesperson noted.  “But Twinkies aren’t really part of our vocabulary.  Kind of more our parent's thing.” Vice President Joe Biden, though, showed enthusiastic support, calling the proposal a “real lunch bucket issue.”

Reaction from the financial community has been mixed.  J.P. Morgan Stanley, which sold all the troubled company’s debt to its own investors, was cautious.  “We’d have to look at what conditions the government would demand,” said a high-level executive, who asked not to be quoted.  “If it affects my bonus, I’d prefer bankruptcy.”

Mr. Geithner’s office did not elaborate on specifics regarding the proposed financial rescue of the firm, which rang up $2 billion in sales last year.  “I don’t think we’re talking about the actual company,” said a staff member who seemed more confused than usual. “I think the Treasury Secretary just wants to save the Twinkies themselves.”

We made this up. You can’t sue us.

- The Editors

Hostess Twinkies: An American Icon or JPJF (Just Plain Junk Food)?  Tell us what you think.