Best Craft Beers!!

The results are in!  The Forest announces winners of our 2016 Craft Beer Festival. We urge our readers to try these excellent brews at your local tavern, or wherever fine spirits are sold.

9. FAT BICYCLE

A Moldovian style hard wheat and oatmeal lager great with difficult to swallow favorites such as tongue sandwiches or unsalted potatoes. Also for special moments such as toasts at volatile mixed ethnicity weddings, or simply enjoyed on its own in the company of cable TV.  Exudes a reassuring aura of inscrutably plain cherry liqueur bolstered with hints of Tennessee thistles and burned chaff.

8. SUITCASE MEDIUM ALE

Briefly discontinued after Bert and Marty Olson's gravel wall brewery in its namesake town's grain shipping district exploded twice in the same day, the mid Nebraska classic has returned!  It's now brewed with even more authority in a converted silo on the surviving Olsons' family farm. An authentic cornfield ale, it serves well with stolid Midwestern fare such as stove fried burgers or any potato chip lined casserole.  Dependably steady with a clever soybean pollen and shredded hay aftertaste.

7. LOST ESKIMO

Colder is bolder anytime you're talking about this tough sledding UPHB (Upper Peninsula Heller Bock) shivering wild rice winter gala ale.  Equally in the game whether cracked open at ice fishing breakfasts or strapped onto a recent hockey injury, the Eskimo is best left in your freezer until it bursts out of its signature amber bottle fully frozen. Real devotees have been known to lightly warm a spoon or buck knife and enjoy this chill brew right then and there. 

Limited availability outside Alaska, Greenland and Michigan. 

6. WURSTBOCK

The quality grains in this MNA (Mid North American) Maibock are soaked to mush in hot springs somewhere north of Little Rock, then shipped to Makoti, ND, for exclusive hot basted malting. With overtones of heirloom currants and highway marker, the upper plains near-favorite goes well with classic northerner delights from chips and asparagus dip to heavily curded Poutine. Shipped in 16 oz. cans only.

5. BAD HEIFER

If you're looking for an authentic Hefeweizen partly to mostly cloudy wheat beer with a genuinely beefy heft, mosey no farther than this Bad Bergzabern inspired jack straw lager.  First introduced at local, unlicensed rodeos, it has grown to be the gulp of choice at many Western style events.  It's busting with plenty of ABV (alcohol by volume) - and barely carbonated in order to slide down "in mass and fast" - for a guaranteed rapid onset buzz between quick mounts.  Yet it's big hearted enough to last for plenty of tall tales around the trailer lot.  Not recommended for young children or small women.

4. BUSTED PLANK

Lynne and Fred Linsdale, notorious crafters of central southern MPA (Mississippi Pale Ale), won't confirm that the proprietary yeast for this sweltering afternoon favorite was purloined from a remote backwater of a bankrupt European Union principality, but they're not denying it, either. No matter; enjoy its crisp, lightly carbonated unpretentiousness smattered with wafts of huckleberry root and split wood. Enjoyed by some with smoke hardened meats or Canadian Goose wings.  

Sold by growler only; inquire at your local draft house or hire someone to locate it.

3. NULL SKUNK

Ever tentatively downed an over-shelved, volume-priced brew and been caught short by that infamous stale initial bite and acrid aftertaste you were fearing even as you bought the stuff?  Not with Null Skunk - the mass produced microbrew you can count on to not deliver the worst a beer is capable of.  Filtered once, and occasionally krausened, this lazy lager gurgles down well with most bar snacks and the occasional Reese's Cup.  A dependable "go to" for those predawn hours when your friendly neighborhood gathering spot has run out of everything else.  Now available in 50-can bargain cases.

2.  77777 

Not for everyone seated in the barroom high tops, this ultra brisk THA (Tennessee Hops Alone) lager is uniquely backward filtered to remove all malted grain flavor and deliver one hundred percent hop bitters. It's replete with enough latent grain and malt related sugar to yield the spirits you need for that unbeatable beer grin, but makes no apologies for going all out on sheer acrid brightness and bite for today's "hyped on hops" crowd.

Often consumed with anything edible and close at hand.

1. FOREVER BLACK

Only when its middling quality grains have mildewed to complete blackness are they flash burned on zinc sheets over propane torches to yield the triple black malts exclusive to this near liquid potable. Decidedly incapable of quenching any thirst, it's the definitive ITOS (Indiana Thick Oat Stout) with overwhelming throat feel and flavor soaked heaviness to log in as our top pick. Perfect for challenging crafty beer groupies to leave their lumberjack shirts behind in Brooklyn and partake in some authentic maltose slogging. Takes on those annoying overgrown craft guy beards, as well, with a rich foamy head suitable for use with any razor.

Sold in single, hard ceramic stopped 150ml bottles.

I

ENOUGH ALREADY!!

"Nuance"  A word so suddenly trendy, yet so inexplicably stale.  Refers to a wisely and well considered mode employed when not really taking a clear stand on anything.

New York Times Editorial: "The issues surrounding who uses what bathroom and when and where are fraught with complexity.  It requires a nuanced approach."

The Forest:  "We use the Kwick Gas Mart across the street."

“It is what it is.”  Vacant capitulation to crap.

Tearful Forest Temp Worker: “My paycheck bounced again."

Clueless Forest Business Manager: "Mine too."

Lame Brain Forest Staff Writer: "It is what it is.”

"Dog Whistle"  We're dog tired of this one ever since our office dog walker Scoop McKenzie let the cat out of the bag that it’s not the whistle in his man purse. It's shorthand for speaking in code, so that a seemingly innocent term or expression conveys special (generally nefarious) meaning to a certain audience. See, humans can't hear a dog whistle, but the dog does. Get it??!!

Fox News Commentator: "The candidate's statement is a dog whistle for more free spending liberal waste and stupidity."

                                                  The Forest Commentator: "When she said Trump should release his tax returns??"

“There you go.” Empty drivel rolled out in place of a real comment or coherent logic.

Man on First Barstool (matter of factly): "We killed Mom yesterday."

Man on Next Barstool (at first horrified): "That's awful!"

Man on First Barstool (elucidating): "Not a tough decision; none of us really liked                                                                   her"

Man on Next Barstool (affirmatively): "There you go."

“At the End of the Day” A brain draining substitute for "in the long run." Just gives us a headache.

“It's All Good!”  Moronic testament uttered by someone scurrying away from you. A favorite of overachievers in warp drive.

Salesman: “I sold at least something today. Guess that's good.”

Motivation Expert: "It's all good!"

"Going forward…" Implying, we guess, from now on. And what, exactly, was wrong with “from now on”? 

"Eponymous"  Why have we been so undeservedly ambushed by this affected gobbledygook?  Seems it's a torturous reference to something named after something else, or apparently (gulp!) also the other way around?  

1. (of a person) being the person after whom a literary work, film, etc, is named: the eponymous heroine in the film of Jane Eyre. 

2. (of a literary work, film, etc) named after its central character or creator: the Stooges' eponymous debut

album. 

Collins English Dictionary

The adjectives derived from eponym, which include eponymous and eponymic,^{[2][6]similarly refers to being the person or thing after whom something is named, as "the eponymous founder of the Ford Motor Company" refers to Henry Ford.[7][8] Recent usage, especially in the recorded-music industry, also allows eponymous to mean "named after its central character or creator".[7]}

Dictionary.com by way of Wikipedia

But means which and when? Oh, never mind.

Editors Note: Consistent with our unflagging confusion, we at The Forest use some of these.  We promise to do better going forward. Oops, darn!

Where’s Michael?

Trump Presidency: The First 100 Days

In the admirable spirit of intellectual exercise, The Forest challenges you, our dedicated readers, to attempt to locate Republican vice president Mike Pence in the following illustrative artwork depicting the imminent reign of President Donald Trump.  Replete with prescient imagery, your editors believe this luminous exercise also presents an opportunity for jocular and thoughtful deliberation, suitable for both for mature adults and American voters alike. 

Victory Celebration

First Cabinet Meeting

State of the Union

Initiating Immigration Reform

Attacking Congress

Preparing Impeachment Defense

In Search of an Exit

Back to Indiana

Artwork Stolen From: Estate of George Grosz

Art Manipulation: Cartoonist "In Residence" Nkey Finghurs

Entire Ridiculous Idea: Associate Editor Lieno Tipe

A BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF HILLARY DID!!!

Young Hillary, The Birth of Duplicity

Through our extensive contacts and highly credible sources, The Forest has obtained an aggregation of further criminal activities on the part of Hillary Clinton, the questionably nominated candidate for the Democratic Party in this year's vital presidential election. These revelations are unique, as they demonstrate inherent pathological behavior from an early age.  We list merely a few below.

1. Cheated at Hopscotch

Chalked in her own lines, then clandestinely rubbed them out, forcing her victimized playmates to hop through a significantly more difficult course.

2. Laundered Girl Scout Cookie Sales 

Volunteered to collect and deposit cash for Park Ridge, Illinois, Girl Scout Troop 006000 annual cookie sale drive. Instead, lawlessly expropriated extensive share of proceeds, concealing her illicit gains in bag beneath her dirty socks.

3. Sent Hate Mail to NASA

Rabid after being informed only men could be astronauts, 14 year old Hillary illicitly threatened to "...steal Alan Shepard’s dog and blow up Cape Canaveral.”

4. Extorted Ted Kennedy to Take SATs

As any loser feeble enough to listen to her criminal accomplice Bill Clinton’s most recent, pathetic convention speech learned, Hillary witnessed election fraud (or so SHE says) while conducting unauthorized surveillance on Chicago's South Side prior to the 1960 election, in which John F. Kennedy was elected president.  Four years later, she exploited this insider knowledge, forcing Ted Kennedy, sadly attempting to preserve his brother's legacy, to fraudulently take SAT exams in her place, resulting in her being named National Merit Finalist.

5. Butted in for Wellesley's Last Dish of Jello 

Lauded for long list of alleged undergraduate achievements at Wellesley College in snooty, ultra rich Massachusetts habitat of the same name. All false, known primarily for barging ahead to forcefully pillage superior share of prized dorm food. 

6. Forged Entire Yale Law Record

Yes, sadly, but unsurprisingly, she never even went there.

Attributions:

1. Confirmed by former sidewalk accomplice Maryanne Marston, currently residing at Noble Truth halfway house following most recent prison release.

2. Sworn statement of former troop mate Eleanor "Ellie" Batterman, conservative talk show host (recently retired) at KKKT Radio, Winnetoon, Nebraska.

3. Verified by next door neighbor Al Thomston, who viewed real time execution of illegal document through high powered Zeiss Mercury telescope.

4. Entire debacle detailed in creative writing therapy project by former classmate Arndt Schmiler, Rugby, ND.

5. See working draft of Associate Certificate thesis by former hall mate Amantha "Mandi" Oddenhal  for comprehensive, disgusting details.

6. Easy enough to find out.

SHORT LIST OF REPUBLICAN CONVENTION SPEAKERS

Just in from the Presumptive Nominee:

Newt Gingrich

Maybe our VP.  Maybe not, we get to choose.  If you think the debates were awesome, just wait.

Ted Cruz

Hasn't endorsed yet, but what a fighter! As long as there's no lyin'.

Rush Limbaugh

A media mastermind. Not as good as a proven winner we all know, of course, but who is? And, oh boy, can this guy talk. Fantastic!

Bernie Madoff

A financial wizard. Knows how to get billions. First hand experience with government interference in business. Our kind of guy.

Manuel Noriega

Who says we don't like Mexicans? Even when they're from Panama. Victim of free trade and government persecution. We're going to end all that.

Clarence Thomas

Hey, there's our black guy.

Benjamin Netanyahu 

Strong on immigration. Strong on Muslim terrorism. We'll talk, we'll deal, he'll be on our side in no time. Huge.

Vladimir Putin

Proves we're not afraid of him.

Hillary Clinton 

Why not? We'll shout her down. Throw cabbages and stuff.  She'll see.

Who Knows?

Keep them guessing. That's what winners do.

BRONCHITIS EPIDEMIC WAYLAYS REPUBLICANS!

Republican lawmakers and other key figures have been struck by what appears to be an epidemic of bronchial infections. The outbreak has restricted their ability to speak, although some suspect other factors might be at play.

The affliction first struck recently dragooned House Speaker Paul Ryan. The Wisconsin representative has been repeatedly questioned regarding his support of his party’s presumptive nominee Donald Trump and, during a recent appearance, suddenly pointed to his throat and retreated to his office. Some of those present reported hearing a spate of coughing, while others questioned what was actually transpiring.

"Reminded me of a kid trying to get out of going to school," stated one reporter.

Shortly after, Arizona Senator John McCain, pressed on the same issue, was said to cover his mouth with his sleeve and elbow past reporters as he scurried to a meeting of the Select Committee on Intelligence, which he chairs when not urging an invasion of Syria.

"This was more like a kind of choked wheezing," said a person who also witnessed the Ryan retreat. "Still, I thought I heard the Senator cursing quite plainly once he may have thought he was out of earshot."

Most Republican leaders who recently indicated support for, or a willingness to consider, Mr. Trump as the party's candidate are now displaying similar symptoms following his racial disparagement of a federal judge, using the recent Orlando massacre as an excuse to boast about his anti-Muslim positions, and other perfidy.

Perhaps the most prominent member of the Republican establishment, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, in the midst of one of his diatribes against President Barack Obama, hacked incomprehensibly when asked whether he would endorse Trump. A number of lozenges reportedly bounced off the Kentucky Senator’s glasses as he attempted to toss them into his mouth.

The office of Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus has issued a brief statement, stating that "a really, really nasty bug" found its way into the water at a recent meeting and quickly spread, severely impairing some members' ability to speak. The statement cited the virulence of the illness and asked that reporters "respect the compromised health of our party's members,” predicting that symptoms might prevail until as late as some time in November.

Other supposedly important Republicans have shown no susceptibility to the epidemic. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has been very audible in his usual fashion and ranted he has "no idea what's going on."  His aides have since been unable to locate him for clarification.     

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, frequently allowed to blather in the media despite his irrelevance regarding pretty much anything, blamed President Obama for the illnesses.

"Our health care system is in chaos," said Mr. Gingrich. "Before Obamacare, this never would have happened."

Editor's note: Unlike the rest of the country, Congress has its own health insurance system.