BRONCHITIS
EPIDEMIC WAYLAYS REPUBLICANS!
Republican lawmakers and other key figures have been
struck by what appears to be an epidemic of bronchial infections. The outbreak
has restricted their ability to speak, although some suspect other factors
might be at play.
The affliction first struck recently dragooned House Speaker Paul Ryan. The Wisconsin representative has been repeatedly questioned regarding his support
of his party’s presumptive nominee Donald Trump and, during a recent appearance, suddenly pointed to his throat and retreated to his
office. Some of those present reported hearing a spate of coughing, while
others questioned what was actually transpiring.
"Reminded me of a kid trying to get out of going to school," stated
one reporter.
Shortly after, Arizona Senator John McCain, pressed on the same issue,
was said to cover his mouth with his sleeve and elbow past reporters as he
scurried to a meeting of the Select Committee on Intelligence, which he chairs
when not urging an invasion of Syria.
"This was more like a kind of choked wheezing," said a person who
also witnessed the Ryan retreat. "Still, I thought I heard the Senator
cursing quite plainly once he may have thought he was out of earshot."
Most Republican leaders who recently indicated support for, or a willingness to
consider, Mr. Trump as the party's candidate are now displaying similar
symptoms following his racial disparagement of a federal judge, using the
recent Orlando massacre as an excuse to boast about his anti-Muslim positions,
and other perfidy.
Perhaps the most prominent member of the Republican
establishment, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, in the midst of one of
his diatribes against President Barack Obama, hacked incomprehensibly
when asked whether he would endorse Trump. A number of lozenges reportedly
bounced off the Kentucky Senator’s glasses as he attempted to toss them into
his mouth.
The office of Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus has issued
a brief statement, stating that "a really, really nasty bug" found
its way into the water at a recent meeting and quickly spread, severely
impairing some members' ability to speak. The statement cited the virulence of the illness and asked
that reporters "respect the compromised health of our party's members,”
predicting that symptoms might prevail until as late as some time in
November.
Other supposedly important Republicans have shown no susceptibility to the
epidemic. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has been very audible in his usual
fashion and ranted he has "no idea what's going on." His aides
have since been unable to locate him for clarification.
Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, frequently allowed to blather in the media
despite his irrelevance regarding pretty much anything, blamed President Obama
for the illnesses.
"Our health care system is in chaos," said Mr. Gingrich. "Before
Obamacare, this never would have happened."
Editor's
note: Unlike the rest of the country, Congress has its own health insurance
system.
