THE EMAILS HILLARY DOESN’T WANT YOU TO SEE!!

The Forest’s team of hackers has obtained thousands of Hillary Clinton’s emails sent under what was obviously – to even the most casual observer – an account she felt was both personal and secure. A representative sample is presented here, in no particular order of their original transmission. – Lieno Tipe, Associate Editor  

TO: bclintonformerpresident@myownserver.com

SUBJECT:  Dinner

Willy,

I’m like way delayed getting back from another speech somewhere (yawn!). Could you be a sweetie big time if you’re not savi
ng the world from hunger, etc. and put the pork roast in the oven for din-din? (and no yams or collard greens this time pleeeasse?)

Love ya,

Mrs. Willy

TO:  chelsea@coolmail.com

SUBJECT: (none)

Zup?

- Mumsy

TO: natassha@hotnails.com

SUBJECT: My Appointment

Nats,

I’m in Sri Lanka and obviously won’t make it in for my pedicure and French today. My bad. I’ll totally make up to you. (PROMISE!)

Your favorite customer (and Sec of State),

- Hillary

TO: jkerry@perhapsnextsecofstate.gov

SUBJECT:  How to Deal With Putin

Sorry, I got nada for you, bro. Try looking on the bright side: at least he’s not a Republican. ;)

- Hillary (Still Sec of State)

TO:  chelsea@coolmail.com

SUBJECT: (none)

Zup? (again)

No hear back from you. ; (

- Mom

TO: stanislawa@DCmallmassages.com

RE:  My Appointment

Hey, Stanislawa.

I’m in Warsaw (isn’t that weird?) so obviously can’t make it for my massage this morning. My totally bad. For good will, maybe I can find your auntie here and take her to dinner. (Not really, obviously. Sorry!)  I’ll make it up to you.

- Hillary

TO:  thepresident@thewhitehouse.gov

SUBJECT:  Iran, Iraq, Syria, the Ukraine and a Bunch of Other Places

Dear Mr. President,

Look, I know "on the record" I've kind of whacked you about needing a harder line on FP (foreign policy J) but it’s just about “broadening my base” (should I choose to run). So…no harm, no foul??

As far as Boehner, McConnell, McCain, L. Graham, et al  and that zook T. Cruz, going like starkos about invading even Antarctica and all, no worries.  They won’t actually do anything.  And they won’t have their own Commander in Chief (as in Prez) in the near future, as I plan on taking that job (should I choose to run).

Still BFFs???

♥♥♥Hils (your lady Sec of State)

TO:  chelsea@coolmail.com

SUBJECT: (none)

Hey, girl. Still haven’t heard back from you. Not really making a federal case here (ha-ha), and I know you are like for sure completely zotso with a husband, the job with dad’s foundation (and hey hardly to mention the new babe!!)  So I’m totally cool with it.  But when you get a sec just shoot me a line and say hi.

Love,

- Your Mother

TO:  oneofmanyPACsforhillary@wireddudes.com

SUBJECT:  Not Really Talking Here

Dear Friends,

Official chat between us being not cool regulation-wise, just checking in to mention I did happen to put eyes on Anderson Cooper’s show last nite (he is SO HOT!) re some big $$$ going to your organization.  Way to go!!  (As in kudos in getting mentioned by AC, not in any way talking re what you’re doing for me. ;)

Your BFF (just kind of checking in),

- HC

TO:  jacquesthemaitre@swaggyrestaurant.com

SUBJECT: My Reservation

Yikes!  I’m in Greenland.  So…guess I’m not making it there for my reservation that was…ten minutes ago. (But who knows? I’m such a klutz at time zones!)

And Bill and I were so looking forward to it! Next time we’ll bring all our friends, promise.

As far as certain restaurants like yours now charging for no-shows, with the cost of everything now, I sort of get it. (But not really.) Must have been totally crazo when I gave you my credit card number for that. I’m sure I can kind of trust your good judgment whether you really want  to do that. ;-)

-- Hillary Rodham Clinton

Secretary of State

TO:  chelsea@coolmail.com

SUBJECT:  Re: Belated Reply, Sorry Mom

Hey kiddo, great to hear from you. And no worries! I was just kind of trying to check in lately. So sounds like everything’s way good. And, for sure, dad and I would L-O-V-E to watch little Charley while you and Marc grab din out. No need to drop her off, though.  Dad and I will pick her up whenever you like. (How about now?!!)

Like I said, great to hear from you. Keep those cards and letters coming, girlie. Ha-ha, just kidding (not really).

Love,

Grammy Grams

TO:  emailtechcorp@techwreck.com

SUBJECT: Re: Closing My Email Account

Hey, dudes. Yes, let me repeat, I need to close that account you set up for me. (Duh.)  And I’m going to be a big girl about this and take the heat myself.  (Kind of goes to character – you live in your mothers’ basements; I’m the next President.) Don’t ever call me again.

- Hillary Rodham Clinton

TO:  jboehner@donothing.gov

SUBJECT:  My Emails

Dear John,

I have to confess I was somewhat confused over the shock and dismay you and your colleagues expressed when it “recently came to your attention” that I have used a personal email account for government business.

As you apparently did not notice, while exercising my duties as this nation’s Secretary of State, I sent thousands of messages under that account to you and your fellow Republicans on a wide range of topics.

Perhaps these vital, official communications mistakenly went to your SPAM folder, in which case I can recommend a good electronic communications technology team for your office to help restore your credibility.

Although it is not my place to conjecture on the ramifications regarding you and your staff not taking due diligence to report any perceived improprieties at that time, or for me to recommend appropriate action you might take presently, you could consider following the lead of your colleagues, who are expending vast amounts of time searching for any messages from me with the hope of turning them over to your own committees.

LOL,

- Hillary (not running for President just yet) Clinton

TO: bclintonformerpresident@myownserver.com

SUBJECT:  re: No Worries

Yeah, crisis management has always kind of been “our thing.”

Any thoughts for din din?

- Me

CLIVEN BUNDY SHIPPED TO IRAQ!!

BY LIENO TIPE

SOMEWHERE LOST IN NEVADA

Nevada rancher Cliven Bundy arrived early this morning in Baghdad as part of an apparent effort by U.S. authorities to lure the outlaw cattleman away from the ongoing nonsense at his ranch and the surrounding community.

A heretofore little known diplomatic unit, in cooperation with the Federal Bureau of Land Management reportedly offered Mr. Bundy rights to continue the illegal grazing of his cattle, and a set of silver-plated AR-15 assault rifles, in return for his deployment to the strife-riven country.

"The deal makes sense for us," said an official familiar with the operation. "We gave him something he was already doing anyway. Given the man's low cognitive threshold, we believed he would not comprehend the full ramifications of the offer, and we were proven correct."

Authorities had hoped some of Mr. Bundy's armed supporters would blindly follow their hero into the path of the recent invasion by Islamic State of Iraq and al-Sham (ISIS) militia, but that outcome did not occur.

"These guys were all good with aiming their assault rifles at park rangers and invading a small ranching community," the official said. "We thought we might trick them into facing an actual enemy, but even they weren't stupid enough fall for that."

A few groups advocating at least some modicum of sanity in U.S. gun laws proposed an even more radical approach to assisting the Iraqi government, including a limited draft, and deployment, of individuals owning assault weapons with high capacity magazines.

Bundy supporter/felons. Potential draftees?

"They're so hot to bear every gun imaginable," said one gun control advocate.  "Let them use them for what they were designed. Warfare."

Senator John McCain, who has strongly pressed for a more vigorous support of the Iraqi government, opposed any such strategy.  "The present administration has failed to live up to our commitments to the Iraqi people," he stated. "But expecting our citizens - who are simply exercising their constitutional rights under the Second Amendment - to employ these highly lethal firearms for their true purpose was not what I had in mind."

Many of Mr. Bundy's supporters, who had crossed state lines heavily armed in a conspiracy to obstruct a legal court order and openly threaten officers of the law, have been steadily drifting back home to their positions as freelance security guards and unemployed members of openly clandestine militia groups.

"We've proven that freedom still exists in this U.S. of A. of ours," said one. "As far as Clive, he's a good old boy. Rest assured we're praying for him."

Rare holiday gifts!!!

BY LIENO TIPE

ILLUSTRATIONS BY NKEY FINGHURS

Through our exhaustive research of ongoing social phenomena, The Forest has uncovered a trove of extraordinary items for this gift-giving season.  Bestow them generously to enrage those pesky right-wing relatives, to provide your liberal pals a well-deserved holiday chortle, or just to annoy people.

Neo-Conservative Discourses on Logic & Ethics 

This weighty tome of empty pages comes richly bound in faux-evidence and makes a handsome addition to any pre-Enlightenment library.  Also available in a special three-volume Collector's Edition, including The Old Testament Guide to Child Rearing and a full atlas of Ptolemy's maps.  Hard bound only.

- $6,563.00

McConnellCake  

This unjust dessert honoring the Senate Minority Leader is generally half-baked and frosts easily on any occasion. Primarily sour dough, but stuffed with rich Kentucky Pork. Available in no flavors.

- $2.99

Rob Ford Getaway  

Everyone’s favorite mayor is your unwitting host to three fun-filled days in the exciting Toronto suburbs and two frightening nights in the crack house of his choice.  Enjoy a special unlimited liquor welcoming package and unfriendly news conference.  Generous taxicab voucher pack is included because you won't be allowed to rent a car.

- $1289.65

Newt Figs   

Tough-skinned and chock full of stuff guaranteed to get caught between your teeth, these pithy paeans to the former House Speaker continue to make their frequent appearances –whether anyone wants them around or not.  Best stewed or served in pudding. 

- $.09 apiece

Kardashian Gift Wrap  

The penultimate flimsy sheath of no known purpose comes with a generous coating of shimmering glitter and gloss and generously folds around any size package for a short time.  Readily available for any taping session, but guaranteed not to stick to much. Warning: can prove to be large volume of trash at the end of the day.

- $5,000,000 for 25 sq. ft. roll

Red State Health Insurance Policy  

Treat your lifelong friends and enemies to coverage free of any shameful government support or job-killing universal enrollment.  State-of-the art exclusions and risk pool management guarantee the insurer of your choice will remain highly profitable in order to provide the quality service you think you'll get. Apply today for one of these premium-rich coverages. Or, avoid the messy paperwork and just sign your 401k over directly to your favorite health care conglomerate.  Not available in some states by law.

- Call for quote

Ted Cruz Day Planner  

Comes already filled with day upon day of obstructionist events.  Includes a newsworthy quote of the hour and daily “Laff Riot” cartoon of the quirky, lovable senator from Texas up to his usual high jinks.  (Dec. 31/ Jan. 1, for instance, depict the rascally freshman kicking the infirm 2013 Oldster into the street and throwing the 2014 Baby under a bus!!) Special Appendix provides extensive suggestions of things to loath in case your dysfunctional gift recipient runs out of ideas.

$15,000,000,000,000.00

Tea Party Sampler  

Your friends and right-minded associates will quickly warm to this delightful assortment of hot water additives, including:  Orange-You- Sick-of-Obama, Green Envy, Black Outlook,  Deport the Darjeelings and Earl No Gray Areas.  Caution: free of stimulants, but can be habit-forming even when against the user’s self interest.

- $200.00  

Fox Booze  

The ultra-potent potable: induces stupefying loss of equilibrium even in small doses. And fast acting!  Guzzlers of this grog can speed right past any frivolous mirth and good cheer and proceed directly to being sick and depressed.  No ID required.
- $12.99

The Boehner Bobo  

Your negativity-addicted acquaintances will thrill at this energy-saving avatar of the House Speaker. It's guaranteed to automatically pop up on their behalf and say "no" to just about everything. Fully inflatable.

- FREE with any purchase

Why delay?  You can order any of these fine gifts directly from The Forest.  Send your cash, cashier’s check, or credit card information, including current billing address and the security code on the back of the card, to:

The Forest’s Rare and Incredible Gifts

P.O. Box 10101010

Suitcase, NE 101010-1010

The Forest makes no representations as to the worth of any of these products.

Department of Political Un-Correctness

We’re Okay If Kim Jong-un Fires Missiles As Long As They Hit:

The Geico Pig.  Question:  When you already have a cute little spokesman (spokes-lizard?) with a catchy Cockney accent, why would you add a repugnant one who talks like an annoying teenager?

Call us hopelessly ossified, but we really don’t want to see (or hear) Maxwell ever again. If you disagree, click here: Friend The Pig

Friends of the Geico Pig. Yes, there really are people who give “thumbs up” to the company’s blatant announcements of its latest commercials cleverly disguised as Facebook posts.  Including a young woman proposing marriage to the hirsute snouter.  If you’re actually looking at that page you’re either:

1. Researching the decline and fall of American culture. (This covers The Forest’s butt.)
2. At the end of your rope for things to do other than leave your parents’ basement.
3. A moron.

Gretchen Carlson’s Teleprompter.  As the co-host of the Fox & Friends morning show chimed in with her pals excoriating President Obama for his gun control efforts, this Hairdo in Search of a Heart reflected on the economic ramifications of a ban on high capacity magazines: “The companies producing those devices would have to cut jobs!” 

Did those words actually come out of her mouth?  If we vaporize the machine she reads off of, will she just go away?

Mitch McConnell’s Campaign Strategists.   What to do when polls show your candidate is the country’s least popular senator?  How about suggest using Ashley Judd’s struggle with clinical depression in hopes of discrediting her as a candidate?  Really?  Then have your boss holler for the F.B.I. when he gets caught agreeing to it.  Really. 

Anthony Weiner’s Campaign Funds.  The scariest thing about this source of $100,000 for a poll to determine if a guy who Tweeted images of his crotch is now viable as a candidate for mayor of New York City is that there’s still more than $4 million of it left.  

The Double Gulp.  Granted, we have to give the health-conscious virtuosos at 7-Eleven kudos for downsizing this penultimate paean to sugar shock from 64 ounces (That’s half a gallon, but who’s counting?) to its current, slender 50 ounces.  (Whew! Now we’ll have room left for Little Debbie Cloud Cakes.)   And a state judge did throw out New York Mayor Bloomberg’s edict to ban soft drinks over 20 ounces.  (We’ll sleep better tonight.)  But, still, why not just melt the damn thing and leave the answers to our soft drink dreams where they belong: in football length hallways of two liter bottles?  Just adjacent to the thoroughfare of potato chips you’re standing in.

The Supreme Leader Himself.  Which, hopefully - given the state of the People’s Republic’s technology - is not off the table.

  

Congress files for unemployment!!!

WASHINGTON, D.C.

By: Lieno Tipe

In a surprise move this morning, the U.S. Congress applied for unemployment benefits.  None were available for comment regarding the action, but a person familiar with the matter stated that many members of both the House and Senate had seemed confused lately.

“They’re not getting any work done,” the person conjectured. “So maybe they erroneously believe they don't have jobs.”

Staff at the Unemployment Services Office at 4058 Minnesota Avenue in the nation’s capitol was taken aback when they opened their doors at 8:30 a.m., and all members of the nation’s governing body swarmed the entrance.  “It was highly unusual,” said a manager at that location.  "As I understand it, these individuals all worked for the same organization, but none of them spoke to each other, or even acknowledged each other’s presence.”

Many in both the public and private sectors agree that the nation’s leading governing body has seemed to be unemployed since the November election.  Their inactivity spans a wide range of areas, such as avoiding to avert the “fiscal cliff” in January and lengthy delays in endorsing vital appointments – including former Senator Chuck Hagel, a highly regarded veteran soldier, to Secretary of Defense and John Brennan, a renowned counterterrorism authority, to Director of the CIA.

They have also failed to act, in spite of appalling massacres, on gun control measures as seemingly common sense as background checks and limits on fully automatic rifles with high capacity magazines, weapons considered by military and law enforcement officials to be designed solely to kill large numbers of human beings in a matter of minutes.  Other inactivity, perhaps more curious, has included no meaningful progress on budgetary and tax revenue legislation, considered by some to be pivotal in actually having a government.

In one example of contrast, the Seventy-third Congress, in two years under President Roosevelt, raised tax rates, ended the tax-exempt status of corporate dividends, limited deductions for capital depreciation, restored the banking system, increased unemployment assistance to the states, authorized tariff reductions to promote free trade, asserted the right of workers to organize, and passed the A.A.A. – aimed at increasing the purchasing power of farmers – and the N.I.R.A., mandating key minimum wages.  They passed the Glass-Steagall Act, separating commercial from investment banking, created the Securities and Exchange Commission, the Civilian Conservation Corps, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation, the Tennessee Valley Authority, and passed the National Labor Relations Act and laws regulating railroads and public utilities.*

In their spare time, they also managed to agree on, and establish, something called the Social Security Administration.**

“I know it's bizarre, but by comparison, our current Congress does seem to believe they are not employed,” said one expert on governing process. "What other explanation could there be?”

White House reaction was limited. An administration spokesperson released a terse statement reading, in its entirety: “When the President promised to put the nation back to work, he didn’t think he’d have to include Congress.”

*Louis Menand, “How the Deal Went Down,” The New Yorker, March 7, 2013, pp. 69-74.
**Ditto.

McCain Deploys to Syria!!

SOMEWHERE SOUTH OF ALLEPO

By: LIENO TIPE

       

In a surprise move very early this morning, Senator John McCain landed in Syria to assist rebel forces fighting to overthrow the government of Bashar al-Assad.  His self-induced, unilateral deployment reflects the Senator’s strongly expressed concerns that the Obama administration failed, despite recommendations from the military and state department, to arm the rebels.

“We need to be on the side of any forces throughout the world seeking freedom,” the Senator said as he deplaned from a Boeing 767 specially requisitioned from a major commercial airline.  “The President’s failure to do so prompted me to do the right thing.”

Hastily armed with a serviceable Springfield rifle and stun grenades from a storage room in Washington D.C.’s Marine Corp Museum, the senator from Arizona immediately set off to locate rebels in need of support.

The invasion, although limited in scope, is consistent with steadfast Republican hatred any of the President’s policy choices, including his recent nominations of Senator Chuck Hegel for Defense Secretary and John Brennan for Director of the CIA.

McCain’s leading ally, Senator Lindsey Graham, has joined him in the impromptu military initiative.  The South Carolina congressman, who once claimed to be a Gulf war veteran, although later clarifying that he got as far as Columbia, South Carolina, where he wrote wills and provided other legal assistance for combatants and their families, plans to play a support role, drafting legislation in hopes of legalizing Senator McCain’s adventure.

A White House spokesperson reminded critics that the President is reticent to arm any of the diverse Syrian rebel units until someone actually proves which ones are not anti-Western radicals, but downplayed any tactical advantage Senator McCain might provide.

“Yes, we are very concerned about putting fire power in the wrong hands,” that person said. “But if anyone wants John, we’re okay with that.”