Adventures of Ralphie Couch!!

Stone Age tribe, not congress, solved fiscal Crisis!!!

Washington, D.C.

January 2, 2013
By: LIENO TIPE

A recently discovered primitive tribe, it was revealed today, was secretly behind legislation passed over the past two days to avoid the fiscal cliff.  Several key members of the tribe were said to provide unusual demonstrations in closed-door sessions with House and Senate leadership.

“They are probably the world’s foremost experts on the issue,” said Dr. Noel Crevass, an anthropologist who discovered the tribe in rugged, uncharted peaks of the Andes Mountains.  “After all, they’re Cliff Dwellers.”

A White House spokesperson, who asked to remain unidentified, believes the tribe members were uniquely qualified to provide a powerful example to a Congress that seemed hopelessly deadlocked.  “Congress had totally mucho months to take care of this,” the person said. “And they did zip…as in nada.  It was like they wanted to live on the cliff until they went pre-historic.”

“Congress was definitely continuing its practice of what we call Retrograde Evolution,” said Dr. Crevass. “So we thought we’d show them where they were headed if they stayed on their current, backward path.”

The Andean Cliff Dwellers provide a cautionary tale for governments unwilling, or unable, to deal with distribution of resources.  All tribe members work equally hard, and, at year’s end, their leaders are expected to divide their produced goods equitably.

“Occasionally it doesn’t work out that way,” Dr. Crevass said. “Certain leaders try to sneak all the stuff to themselves and one or two friends, resulting in endless bickering and accusations.  As the brutal winter sets in, the Cliff Dwellers revolt, forcing their leaders off the cliffs with sharp sticks heated in hot coals.  They live 14,000 feet above sea level, so that can be a long drop down in many cases.”

“It looked like we were at a standstill,” said House Speaker John Boehner.  “But having the Cliff Dwellers in the room added a fresh perspective.”

“From the start, our Party has been negotiating in full faith as long as we could always get our way,” added Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.  “We thought that was best for the American people, but it was hard to do with these savages breathing down our backs.”

“The Cliff Dwellers know when they’re being fed gibberish,” says Dr. Crevass.  “These people have lived for thousands of years on dried moss and roasted muskrats, and even they understand that.”

Here Again!! The Adventures of Ralphie Couch.

Special Christmas Cartoon Issue!!

Bad Day at the North Pole

De-criminalized Elves

"Henry still insist on using his homemade lights."

"Something not made in China?

You might try the food court."

 "My own TV controller. How sweet."

 And Introducing:
Adventures of Ralphie Couch

CHENEY NO LONGER SEEKS JOB AS SECRETARY OF STATE!!
SOMEWHERE IN IDAHO

December 14, 2012

BY: LIENO TIPE

In a hastily called press conference at 1:35 a.m. this morning, former Vice President Richard Cheney informed a group of puzzled reporters that he would decline the position as Secretary of State if offered to him.

“What I did bears not even the slightest comparison to that girl Rice’s actions,” said Mr. Cheney, referring to Susan E. Rice, who today removed herself from consideration for the position after considerable pressure from Republicans. “She used intelligence provided to her by the C.I.A.  I made up my own intelligence.”

Many have considered the recent attacks on Ms. Rice to be hypocritical, given the Bush administration’s dicey nomination of Condoleezza Rice for the same position in the shadow of whopping disinformation leading up to the Iraq war.

“Heresy has its toll,” said Mr. Cheney, who is rumored to have recently “found his way to the Lord.”  “I ran the country for eight years. So I thought I was clearly the best candidate for Secretary of State, but now it’s the end of days.”

The idea that the former Vice President thought he was in the running for the nation’s top international relations job caught many by surprise.

 “We appreciate Dick reaching out,” a spokeswoman for the Obama administration said. “Kind of bizarre.”

A top caretaker stated that Mr. Cheney has seemed confused lately, looking for weapons of mass destruction under his porch and attempting to shoot birds off telephone wires with a kitchen mop.

Senator John McCain, who led the recent charge against Susan Rice, was unavailable for comment.

SCHOOLS ELIMINATE HISTORY DEPARTMENTS!!

SOMEWHERE IN TENNESSEE

DECEMBER 6, 2012

BY: LIENO TIPE

Public schools in politically Red States announced this morning that they will no longer teach history. The announcement comes as Congressional Republicans deny that President Obama has a mandate to raise taxes on the wealthiest Americans, simply because he campaigned - and won - on that promise.

"We're following the example of the great leaders in America today,"
said a prominent Red State educator. “It's obvious that history no longer matters, so we've replaced it with advanced accounting.”

Republican Congressmen were modestly flattered.

“We believe ignoring history, recent or otherwise, is a sound strategy,” said House Speaker John Boehner. “It’s as though no one ever supported this bad idea of job-killing tax increases.”

“If we don’t bother with history, we can even forget that rich people ever paid taxes,” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said.

When things that actually happened don’t really count, Congress’ attempts to avoid the fiscal cliff take on new meaning.  “Now gridlock is good,” said former presidential candidate Mitt Romney.  “With the past no longer an issue, we can work harder on denying the future.”

Representative Paul Ryan added further insight: “We were going to obstruct anyway,” he said. “But now the lack of history is on our side.”