BRONCHITIS EPIDEMIC WAYLAYS REPUBLICANS!

Republican lawmakers and other key figures have been struck by what appears to be an epidemic of bronchial infections. The outbreak has restricted their ability to speak, although some suspect other factors might be at play.

The affliction first struck recently dragooned House Speaker Paul Ryan. The Wisconsin representative has been repeatedly questioned regarding his support of his party’s presumptive nominee Donald Trump and, during a recent appearance, suddenly pointed to his throat and retreated to his office. Some of those present reported hearing a spate of coughing, while others questioned what was actually transpiring.

"Reminded me of a kid trying to get out of going to school," stated one reporter.

Shortly after, Arizona Senator John McCain, pressed on the same issue, was said to cover his mouth with his sleeve and elbow past reporters as he scurried to a meeting of the Select Committee on Intelligence, which he chairs when not urging an invasion of Syria.

"This was more like a kind of choked wheezing," said a person who also witnessed the Ryan retreat. "Still, I thought I heard the Senator cursing quite plainly once he may have thought he was out of earshot."

Most Republican leaders who recently indicated support for, or a willingness to consider, Mr. Trump as the party's candidate are now displaying similar symptoms following his racial disparagement of a federal judge, using the recent Orlando massacre as an excuse to boast about his anti-Muslim positions, and other perfidy.

Perhaps the most prominent member of the Republican establishment, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, in the midst of one of his diatribes against President Barack Obama, hacked incomprehensibly when asked whether he would endorse Trump. A number of lozenges reportedly bounced off the Kentucky Senator’s glasses as he attempted to toss them into his mouth.

The office of Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus has issued a brief statement, stating that "a really, really nasty bug" found its way into the water at a recent meeting and quickly spread, severely impairing some members' ability to speak. The statement cited the virulence of the illness and asked that reporters "respect the compromised health of our party's members,” predicting that symptoms might prevail until as late as some time in November.

Other supposedly important Republicans have shown no susceptibility to the epidemic. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has been very audible in his usual fashion and ranted he has "no idea what's going on."  His aides have since been unable to locate him for clarification.     

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, frequently allowed to blather in the media despite his irrelevance regarding pretty much anything, blamed President Obama for the illnesses.

"Our health care system is in chaos," said Mr. Gingrich. "Before Obamacare, this never would have happened."

Editor's note: Unlike the rest of the country, Congress has its own health insurance system.

Charm School For Hillary

“Why is Hillary Clinton so unpopular?…In the Washington Post/ABC News poll, (Clinton and Trump) are both at 57 percent disapproval…In the New York Times/CBS News poll…Sixty-four percent said she is not honest or trustworthy.

 Clinton gives off an exclusively professional vibe: industrious, calculated, goal-oriented, distrustful…in direct contrast with the mores of the social media age, which is intimate, personalist, revealing, trusting and vulnerable.  It puts her in conflict with most people”s lived experience.” 

 -- David Brooks, NY Times, May 24, 2016, “Why is Clinton Disliked?”

Hold Readings of "Dear Socks, Dear Buddy"
Are they kidding with the cold, calculated crapola??!!  You put out a book of kids letters to your own cat and dog for criminy sake. 

Schedule Twice Daily Charlotte Mevzinsky Photo Ops.

Our Google image search turned up maybe six of you with the grandkid. Are you kidding?! There's more than that of Donald Trump's hairbrush.  Do you want this job or don't you?

Stop Applauding Yourself.

Did it work for you in 2008?  No, it did not work for you in 2008.  

Enough with the Shouting.

Does Donald Trump shout? Well, does he? Think about it. 

Do a Disney Character. 

Lean on some of those Hollywood lamebrains to get you a part. (What, they think just a $35,000 a plate dinner gets them off the hook?)  Your voice in a lovable role!  The kindly, exiled cheetah who helps a poor, orphaned gazelle kid grow up to win the Botswanna Derby, maybe.

Shut Up About Bernie Sanders!

Some people like him, so you're going to make those ones like you for whacking on him, do you think?  Some people don't like him. Those ones are already voting for you, duh.

Pipe Down.

We know, we know.  We already talked about shouting.  Just saying, though...

Plead Guilty to Everything.

Hard to keep accusing anyone who's already admitted to the whole ball of wax. And don't we all believe in Redemption??

Mysteriously Disappear.

Your staff puts out wistful photos, while you rethink stuff.  Never know.

Take Up Figure Skating.

Everyone loves figure skaters.

Written by Larissa Tipe, Guest Editor

In Fond Memory

Ted Cruz

Former House Speaker John Boehner:

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell:

Carly Fiorina:

YouKnowWho:

Drawings by Nkey Finghurs      Quotes Allegedly Verified by Associate Editor Lieno Tipe

Teddy and Trump!!

The Insightful Perspective You Have Long Awaited

For leaders, conservatives are blessed it seems

With a wealth of choices to achieve their dreams.

At least it was so a short while ago
When scores of candidates were about.

Now it’s down to two, not counting a fellow who

Believes delegate counts don’t count.

Ted Cruz and Donald Trump

Have proven pleased to jump

Into the fray with each other.

We give you some highlights

Because by all rights
It seems that is all these guys are about.

“I’ll build a wall and deport them all!” proclaims Trump.

Not aware of a device, employed twice 

By a sweet fellow named El Chapo.

And surely others can go

The way of that drug kingpin

Who escaped prison once, then again.

No guns to pull, no guards to pummel

His pals put lights and tracks, perhaps even snacks

In something called a tunnel.

“I'll repeal Obamacare and abolish the IRS!”

Promises Teddy.

The latter he cannot do, though even we wish it true.

In fact, he can't do either

Requiring acts of Congress 

Per our founding document.

Some say: “Call Teddy a constitutional scholar!”

Though we would not recommend it.

It appears he does not bother

Except for the Second Amendment.

"It'll be huge," boasts Trump, referring perhaps

To a bump in his pants

And anything else he touches

Or regarding his own opinions.

"Fantastic," he spouts

On whatever he's about

And though that may seem bombastic

His supporters are in the millions.

“Take America back,” declaims Teddy

“From the weaklings and the moochers.” 

No freedom of choicers or rest room invaders

No safety net or help with the rent

No taxes for job creators.

No regard for the facts

Just a bible to thump

And some way to trick Trump

Now that's a good act.





And In Closing If We Might:

The Forest is pleased to provide these highlights.

Thanks, as always, for your readership

Even though you're aggrieved and performing last rites

For anything like sound leadership.

We hesitate to endorse

But if we are forced

Donald Trump is the one we make.

Wherever snake oil is concerned
We long ago learned
To choose the salesman, not the snake.

-- Your Editors

Written by Lieno Tipe
Illustrations by Nkey Finghurs

Politics at Large

Senate Majority Votes to Go Home!!

By Associate Editor-at-Large Lieno Tipe

DULLES AIRPORT, D.C. In a vote early Tuesday, Republicans in the Senate unanimously agreed to adjourn and take paid leave for the remainder of 2016.  The surprise move came as representatives in the party followed up on Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s opposition to any vote, or even hearings, for a presidential nominee to fill the Supreme Court seat vacated by the recent death of Justice Antonin Scalia.

"We simply thought it made sense," said Jeffry “Jeff” Flake, the junior Arizona member of the once august body. "Sound deliberation regarding a Supreme Court affirmation is perhaps our most crucial obligation of advise and consent in a vibrant democracy. Once we decided to bag that, why bother with the little stuff?"

More than one Senate worker, speaking on conditions of anonymity, suggested a number of the supposed lawmakers had lost touch with their sense of reality in many activities - or lack of such - in recent years, spurring this latest abdication of responsibility.

"On the one hand, it seems dunderheaded," said one aide. "But, viewed through a broader lens, these guys might just as well be out cleaning their bird feeders anyway."

Although the action seemed to indicate business as usual to many Americans, it was taken as a shutdown of the government in some quarters. Several legislators, attempting to get a jump on their colleagues by immediate departure for their home states, or luxury vacation spas, were stuck at airports when security personnel did not show up for work.

Senator McConnell was unavailable for comment.

Republican Candidates to Bear Arms at Next Debate!!

A majority of Republican presidential candidates have stated they will openly carry firearms at their next debate.  According to campaign workers, their candidates are taking what each views as a logical next step in the competition for the nation's highest office.

""They've pretty well maxed out on how far they can take this verbally," said one staffer, referring to Governor Christie's vicious assault on Senator Rubio in the last debate as well as earlier attacks and responses by others in the campaign.  "This is just a matter of putting some metal where your mouth is."

The taking up of arms has not been without its toll, however.  Carly Fiorina reportedly had to be restrained from shooting the employees at a practice range when she believed they had conspired to move targets out of range as she fired at them.  Senator Ted Cruz issued firm, but implausible, denials that he had instructed aides to retrofit cannons from the Alamo in order to "take out the entire stage" at the next contest.  And Governor Jeb Bush was said to be secretly hospitalized for shooting himself in the foot.

The one candidate to most vociferously enjoy recent developments was, unsurprisingly, the poll leading real estate mogul Donald Trump, stating: "I said from the beginning I would blow everyone away, and I meant it."

Protests that this latest turn is a poisonous by product of Republican's preference for insult and confrontation in lieu of substantive discussion have been been met with disdain in some quarters.

"The liberal media has leaped upon this in a smear tactic to banish our Second Amendment rights," said Senator Rubio, echoing responses from his fellow candidates as well as conservative talk show hosts.  "Watch out for what they propose next:  job killing health care for everyone and disarming our courageous men and women in uniform."

The Republican debate for which the candidates are now arming themselves is scheduled for 9 p.m. Eastern Time on February 17, taking place, viewed by some with no small irony, at the Peace Center in Greenville, South Carolina.

According to the Rubio campaign, the Senator from Florida will decline to attend.  Dr. Ben Carson, known for stating he would attack the gunmen if he was caught in the midst of a potential mass shooting and that he would prefer witnessing the death of innocent civilians rather than see gun rights curtailed, has reportedly left the country.