THE EMAILS HILLARY DOESN’T WANT YOU TO SEE!!
The Forest’s team of hackers has obtained thousands of
Hillary Clinton’s emails sent under what was obviously – to even the most
casual observer – an account she felt was both personal and secure. A
representative sample is presented here, in no particular order of their
original transmission. – Lieno Tipe, Associate Editor
SUBJECT: Dinner
Willy,
I’m like way delayed getting back from another speech
somewhere (yawn!). Could you be a sweetie big time if you’re not savi
ng the
world from hunger, etc. and put the pork roast in the oven for din-din? (and no
yams or collard greens this time pleeeasse?)
Love ya,
Mrs. Willy
SUBJECT: (none)
Zup?
- Mumsy
SUBJECT: My Appointment
Nats,
I’m in Sri Lanka and obviously won’t make it in for my
pedicure and French today. My bad. I’ll totally make up to you. (PROMISE!)
Your favorite customer (and Sec of State),
- Hillary
SUBJECT: How to Deal
With Putin
Sorry, I got nada for you, bro. Try looking on the bright
side: at least he’s not a Republican. ;)
- Hillary (Still Sec of State)
SUBJECT: (none)
Zup? (again)
No hear back from you. ; (
- Mom
RE: My Appointment
Hey, Stanislawa.
I’m in Warsaw (isn’t that weird?) so obviously can’t make it
for my massage this morning. My totally bad. For good will, maybe I can find
your auntie here and take her to dinner. (Not really, obviously. Sorry!) I’ll make it up to you.
- Hillary
SUBJECT: Iran, Iraq,
Syria, the Ukraine and a Bunch of Other Places
Dear Mr. President,
Look, I know "on the record" I've kind of whacked you about needing a harder line on FP (foreign policy J) but it’s just about
“broadening my base” (should I choose to run). So…no harm, no foul??
As far as Boehner, McConnell, McCain, L. Graham, et al and that zook T. Cruz, going like starkos
about invading even Antarctica and all, no worries. They won’t actually do anything.
And they won’t have their own Commander in Chief (as in Prez) in the near
future, as I plan on taking that job (should I choose to run).
Still BFFs???
♥♥♥Hils (your lady Sec of State)
SUBJECT: (none)
Hey, girl. Still haven’t heard back from you. Not really
making a federal case here (ha-ha), and I know you are like for sure completely
zotso with a husband, the job with dad’s foundation (and hey hardly to mention
the new babe!!) So I’m totally cool
with it. But when you get a sec just
shoot me a line and say hi.
Love,
- Your Mother
SUBJECT: Not Really
Talking Here
Dear Friends,
Official chat between us being not cool regulation-wise,
just checking in to mention I did happen to put eyes on Anderson Cooper’s show
last nite (he is SO HOT!) re some big $$$ going to your organization. Way to go!!
(As in kudos in getting mentioned by AC, not in any way talking re what
you’re doing for me. ;)
Your BFF (just kind of checking in),
- HC
SUBJECT: My Reservation
Yikes! I’m in
Greenland. So…guess I’m not making it
there for my reservation that was…ten minutes ago. (But who knows? I’m such a
klutz at time zones!)
And Bill and I were so looking forward to it! Next time
we’ll bring all our friends, promise.
As far as certain restaurants like yours now charging for
no-shows, with the cost of everything now, I sort of get it. (But not really.)
Must have been totally crazo when I gave you my credit card number for that.
I’m sure I can kind of trust your good judgment whether you really want to do that. ;-)
-- Hillary
Rodham Clinton
Secretary of State
SUBJECT: Re: Belated
Reply, Sorry Mom
Hey kiddo, great to hear from you. And no worries! I was
just kind of trying to check in lately. So sounds like everything’s way good.
And, for sure, dad and I would L-O-V-E to watch little Charley while you and
Marc grab din out. No need to drop her off, though. Dad and I will pick her up whenever you like. (How about now?!!)
Like I said, great to hear from you. Keep those cards and
letters coming, girlie. Ha-ha, just kidding (not really).
Love,
Grammy Grams
SUBJECT: Re: Closing My Email Account
Hey, dudes. Yes, let me repeat, I need to close that account
you set up for me. (Duh.) And I’m going
to be a big girl about this and take the heat myself. (Kind of goes to character – you live in your mothers’ basements;
I’m the next President.) Don’t ever call me again.
- Hillary
Rodham Clinton
SUBJECT: My Emails
Dear John,
I have to confess I was somewhat confused over the shock and
dismay you and your colleagues expressed when it “recently came to your
attention” that I have used a personal email account for government business.
As you apparently did not notice, while exercising my duties
as this nation’s Secretary of State, I sent thousands of messages under that
account to you and your fellow Republicans on a wide range of topics.
Perhaps these vital, official communications mistakenly went
to your SPAM folder, in which case I can recommend a good electronic
communications technology team for your office to help restore your
credibility.
Although it is not my place to conjecture on the ramifications
regarding you and your staff not taking due diligence to report any perceived
improprieties at that time, or for me to recommend appropriate action you might
take presently, you could consider following the lead of your colleagues, who
are expending vast amounts of time searching for any messages from me with the hope of turning them
over to your own committees.
LOL,
- Hillary (not running for President just yet) Clinton
SUBJECT: re: No
Worries
Yeah, crisis management has always kind of been “our thing.”
Any thoughts for din din?
- Me
Who Needs Comedy When We’ve Got the News? 
